[at a wine tasting]
Me: *sips and swishes*
Employee: Sir, you can’t drink inside the grocery store
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Idk how we’re supposed to tell when bleu cheese has gone bad. It’s already bad. Do we just check on it periodically to see if it’s getting worse? Then one day say “this cheese is too worse” and toss it out?
If sex doesn’t include peanut butter, a live mongoose, and my psychiatrist taking notes then I don’t want it.
Salem during the 1600’s was great. If your woman pissed you off, you just tell people she’s a witch and they kill the bitch. For free.
“Does this hurt?”
“YES!”
“What about this?”
“OW!”
*Dr. writes notes*
“Patient shows symptoms of pain when stabbed with knife. Keep updates.”
Just seconds before we make the jump to light speed the captain nears my console to check my calculations. I minimise solitaire just in time
This rocks
Prank Idea: Toss some red laundry in the ocean and turn the great white sharks into the great pink sharks.
This medicine says I should not operate heavy machinery, so I guess I won’t be doing laundry for the next two weeks. Safety first.
whoever said misery loves company spelled calories wrong
You know you have kids when you say “see you soon” on the way out of urgent care
Romance is weird. My wife said she wanted fantasy play but got angry when I handed her the wizard beard & 20 sided dice
I can never hear what my kids are up to while I’m in the shower so I just yell “HEY cut it out!” every 60 seconds and hope that keeps them in line
Yeah. Spring cleaning is going well, thanks.
Age is just a number until your back goes out picking up a sock.
“You see those footprints? It looks like our killer had feet.”
– If you want to know why I was fired as a writer on CSI.
We used to look at my mom like she was crazy when she’d scream at us but now I know this is the only way children can hear you.
Always leave the cult better than you found it.
“WHAT DO WE WANT?”
“A BETTER STRUCTURE FOR MEASUREMENT OF TIME THAT ISN’T AN ILLUSION CREATED BY MAN”
“WHEN DO WE WANT IT?”
…
“shit”
Was chatting at our block party and a new neighbor came up and asked if I was this dude’s wife and I said no I’m his mistress just to make it weird and welcome her to the neighborhood.
Sometimes I wonder how vegans can survive off what little they can eat and then I remember they just feed off attention.
Can’t believe my dog just ran into Petco and left me in the car with the windows rolled up
“two heads are better than one” – guy who collects heads
Dr: Do you abuse alcohol?
Me: Only when I can’t get the lid off.
Tried to take a drink of water while lying flat on floor and was immediately reminded of my place in the universe.
I am in my truest form when the food comes at a restaurant and I side-eye plates, suspicious that everyone got more fries than I did.
if a woman tells me she just wants be friends I say ok but I get to be rachel
Waitress: Can I take this out of the way for you?
Me: [glances at wife] uh…sure
Wife: SHE MEANS THE PLATE, IDIOT
I like my women with curves.
Those skinny ones are alway mad cause they’re hungry.
January 1: GONNA WORK OUT EVERYDAY
January 2: [works out]
Jan 3: [kind of works out]
Jan 4: [too busy to work out]
Jan 5: VANITY IS BULLSHIT
[tries to walk into my How to Use a Revolving Door class and ends up outside again] what the heck