If you’re having a bad day, it’s because Mercury is in ketosis.
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The only thing worse than finding a hair in your food is realizing that the person who prepared it has a bald head.
Bought a new exercise program
Instructions said to stop if I felt any discomfort
So I did
I’ve never been to Pilates but I have tried to change clothes in the car.
“Veggies?” The subway sandwich artist looks at me smugly. He knows I only want meat & cheese. He knows I fear the judgement of the line behind me. His hand hovers over the pale, wet lettuce. A bead of sweat drips down my forehead. The air between us crackles
Nice empty fish tank
It’d be a shame if someone were to FILL IT WITH SNAKES!
*the terrarium is invented*
Found my missing cardigan when my sister posted a FB pic of her wearing it.
Due to market uncertainty my wife asked if we should move around our money and I agreed.
I jiggled the change in my pocket.
I knew joining a gym was a bad idea when I got there and needed help pulling the door open.
me: it’s the basis for all life on earth if you take my point so technically any form of romance is carbon dating
archaeologist: how did you find me?
Rocket Man vs. Rockhead Man. An epic battle of two Superzeros.
Wife still out of town. I’m afraid if I order Dominos again they will call child services.
Little Red Riding Hood found in a critical condition. Paramedics have stabilised her condition, but shes not out of the woods yet.
If you care about someone,
even a little bit.
I beg of you.
Please.
TELL THEM WHEN THEY HAVE SOMETHING IN THEIR TEETH.
You see when you ask for nudes specificity is key. I have a whole camera roll of sphinx cats and I’m not afraid to use it.
Soulmate sounds like something Satan puts in his coffee.
No one is more optimistic than a woman who straightens her hair in 90% humidity
Possible Fact: If you suffer with freezing cold hands, you are contractually obliged to test their temperature by putting them on people.
Bond. Trauma bond.
Doctor: I’ve increased the dosage of your medication
Me: Why am I not surprised
Doctor: That’s one of the side effects of the medication
[1st date]
-I’m a fish whisperer.
Wow, what does that mean?
-*whispers* Fish.
Oh… Haha um what do you-
-*whispers right in her ear* Fish.
Find you a woman that spends her night using lunchable meat to try stealing stray cats from the local gas station
Me: You have to do your homework.
My kid: OOOHHH! So you’re saying that if I fell into the ocean and a SHARK bit off my LEGS and my BLOOD was shooting EVERYWHERE so I DIED you would STILL make me do my STUPID homework while I was DEAD?
Me: Obviously yes.
Leaning over with an open bag of skittles in your shirt pocket: a tragedy in one act
Human: what’s up with all the anal probes?
Alien: [shrugs] seems like most of your species keeps their head up there.
Google maps: You’ve arrived.
Me: *fluffs hair* I know! Right?
Clock: “You need to get up in 6 hours.”
Me: “No you’re mistaken. First I need to Google the lyrics to that song from 9th grade, and then find the episode with the scene where they played that song on BH 90210.”
When you let grandma cat sit
Brushed the fur off my couch and made another cat.
Is a person diagnosed with a Multiple Personality Disorder able to get a group rate from their therapist? Just asking for some friends.
I won’t say I neglect my appearance but I will say I just shaved my legs at my desk after wearing a skirt to work.