Why did they call them fad diets and not newtrition.
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dinner should come out of a hose in the kitchen at a specific time each day and it’s coming out whether you’re there to catch it or not
*Slides down your chimney*
*Straightens all your pictures*
Don’t forget to cut me off so you can be the first person to the red light.
Gunna get my 600 tweets in early, so I have the rest of the day free to argue with people in person.
I’m watching Dune at 40 like, “hope that white boy packed sun block.”
Satan: Welcome to hell! You can spend all eternity walking barefoot across legos OR you can wear these crocs.
Me: NOOOOOOOO!!!!!!
I put on my Godzilla costume, then go to the miniature golf course to beat up the windmill.
I say: ‘Pls watch that pothole’.
My son hears: ‘Pls drive through that pothole with the force of a thousand jackhammers’.
my sister: snowboards
my brother: skateboards
me: charcuterie boards
Hello and welcome to our “help! my toddler won’t stop crying because I wouldn’t let her nap with a slice of cheese” support group, there’s free coffee in the back.
This guy at work always looks down my blouse. So im going to put a piece of popcorn in there to see if he points it out.
I texted my husband “I want pizza but I need to go to the gym” in the hopes that he would try and steer me back on the right path and motivate me to go to the gym. But instead he replied “Same, let’s get pizza” and so yes it is true that marriage makes you fat
“I got a kitten and it scratches me a lot.”
-Lame
-basic
-victim mindset“I hired a tiny, freelance, in-house acupuncturist.”
-cool!
-impressive
-sounds wealthy
Do you know how fast you were going sir?
“15,000mph?”
Wha? No,like 65?
“Seems pretty slow wouldn’t you say?”
I guess so.
“Ok bye”
bye?
Found out it’s $3000 to get laser eye surgery and $300 to get laser hair removal so I’m just gonna get the hair removal on my eyebrows and scootch up a bit when they start.
Alien: this planet sucks I don’t know how you do it
Me: *slowly opens pizza box*
Alien: dude
grandchild: when did you know you were gonna marry grandpa?
me: when the dude brought 4 different slices of cheesecake on the second date.
Skipping rocks with 11 at the lake thinking how great it is she’s not looking at a screen when she says, “This is fun, do you think there’s an app for this?”
Alternate reality. 🤣🤣🤣
“so u have no idea what started the fire” the fireman looks at me. i shake my head no. i nervously fidget with my recipe for a thrice baked potato behind my back
Kids are the best get-out-of-everything card. Need to cancel plans? Blame the kids. House messy? Blame the kids. Look like a slob? Blame the kids. Cranky for absolutely no reason whatsoever? Blame the kids.
I’m sorry I punched you in the face when you said “I love you”. Intimacy scares me. And you said it to my sister.
barbie baked bread before becoming bamboozled by bearded beavers
*reads online that you should befriend your coworkers with some water cooler talk*
ME (to coworker): So, are you into water coolers?
I’m gonna make a photo editing type program that makes you look like a Hobbit and call it Frodoshop.
My 1 year old kept saying “I lug ya” and I was so excited until I realized he was trying to say “alexa” not “I love you”
Yes I run a porn site. It was an accident.
Me: You really can’t describe the thrill of the hunt until you’re in the thick of it. Exhilarating!
Cashier: Sir, those items are always buy one, get one free all year.
Anna: If you don’t wanna build a snowman I feel bad for you, son.
Elsa: I got 99 problems but the cold ain’t one.