Grocery shopping before Christmas is a nightmare… My gallon of milk expired while I was waiting in line….
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There’s a song playing in Panera that goes “I got your Christmas right here”, and this just sounds so aggressive to me .
99% of people who quote Ayn Rand have either never read her or have never read her
Wanna feel smart? I just texted my sister a picture of her phone she left here
Me: *Living in the US for 16 years*
Me: *Calls mom in India everyday 9PM*
Mom: *Everyday* What time is it there?
#TrueStory
me: I call shotgun
shotgun: sorry, I can’t come to the phone right now, please speak after the beep
It’s so annoying when they tell you to reset the modem like, do you think I would call you if I knew which one was the modem?
Randomly covering one eye for long periods of time so people think I’m part of that cult
Just bought a telescope and the eldest asked if I’d be doing horoscopes.
Yes.
Leo: You will be written out of someone’s will.
me: this cat is kissing me on the lips because it LOVES me
cat: mother’s lips taste perpetually of bacon
you miss 100% of the gossip from the phone calls you don’t answer
I just need a shovel and a good alibi.
[1hr before date]
Me: (to waiter) So when I order the extra spicy chicken you say ‘brave choice sir’ and then bring the Lemon Herb chicken
Running is the best way to remind yourself how much you love sitting.
@funTweeters
I drink because it’s difficult to eat alcohol.
This hospital has everything
My oldest made us all breakfast this morning, then got mad when his little brother didn’t finish the meal he had worked so hard to create.
I think I’m on to something here…
ME: [rocking out front row at a concert] Woooo
THIRD CELLIST: Please sit down
Him: I like your vest.
Me [not wearing a vest, but I have 2 dogs and haven’t vacuumed in a while]: Thanks.
Yeah but how many of you can say you’ve managed to get your head stuck in the strings of a piano
Sun Tzu: to beat your enemy you must become your enemy
Me [overweight; hungover; eating breakfast ice cream]: way ahead of you
I don’t know, just add a romantic vampire.
~The 2000’s
I got hooked on Italian food in high school after my dealer sold me a bag of oregano.
You have an IOS update.
Remind me later?
Install tonight?
Why not now?
Do you have commitment issues?
This might be why you’re alone.
I like my men like I like my coffee, tall, dark and left on top of my car
🥶🥶🐶🐶
Her: sobbing, smashing Doritos and cupcakes into her mouth*
Him: how was your day, babe?
If dogs take after their owners, I need to work on my posture.