Lobster 1: I split up from Lisa.
Lobster 2: Good. That fish was cray.
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Do those “selfie sticks” retract, or do you just have to walk around like a doofus with a stick all day?
50 Shades of Yellow. #SpongebobMovie #SuperBowl
“911 what’s ur emergency”
This guy’s not breathing
“Did u send him ur vibes?”
Yes I been sending em
“I’m sending some too”
Okay he good now
Only during a hurricane can you purchase a tarp, rope, duct tape and a shovel and no one questioned your motives.
A local man died after a shelf full of routers fell on him.
It was an unexpected LAN slide.
A kiss so passionate you have first degree burns from the melted cheese on the pizza.
What’s that Batman movie quote? “You either die a hero, or live long enough to hit the gas instead of the brake and drive your Buick through the front doors of the pharmacy”?
I enjoy driving because it combines my desire to sit with my talent for being angry.
Wife: is that our guinea pig?
Me: yes and I’ve named her gwyn
Wife: why
Me: *whispers* gwyny pig
When Santa’s helpers take pics of themselves is it called an Elfie?
WOMAN: [watching my son roll around on the floor] some people shouldn’t have children
ME: [placing my son in her shopping cart] thank you
Lady at my gym is pedaling a stationary bike while eating chips right out of the bag. I’m hiring her as my personal trainer.
It’s not easy sitting around all day doing nothing. It’s hard to know whether or not you’re done.
Me: who ate all the cookies!?
Toddler: it was the ninja
Me: did you see the ninja?
6yo: well no it’s a ninja
Someone should open a bar called “The Gym”, so when I tell people where I’m going, it won’t be a lie.
Age 8 – “I can achieve anything”
18 – “should I buy a lobster farm?”
28 – “if you are watching this then I have been killed by lobsters”
Everyone makes fun of Aquaman, but he’s got it all figured out.
He spends all day chilling in the water.
His life is one big pool party.
Gwyneth Paltrow should invent a candle that smells like a brand new can of Play-Doh
Odd that the silent way to alert performers they should quickly end their act is a gesture to slice your own throat.
*Ancient Egypt*
Me: My abacus won’t work
IT: Hit giant eye + guy holding snakes + big ass bird
Me: Nothing
IT: Okay, reset *shuffles abacus*
Who called it a volcanic eruption and not a lavalanche?
Aaaaaand…send.
My wife just yelled at me for not warning her that I was about to sneeze if any of you are thinking of getting into a relationship.
If the question is how many toothbrushes can my 2yo fit in his mouth at the same time before I catch him. The answer is 4.
[Grandma’s funeral]
(Turning to friend) She knitted that whole coffin
neurosurgeon: *removes my brain to blow on it and put it back in*
[at family gathering]
Me: *shoving jumbo shrimp in my mouth*
Mom: Where are your manners?
Me: *points over at sister* She has them.
How is it that my kids can never find their own shoes but…
Easily find the one ice cream sandwich I hid behind the peas in the freezer.
Normal adult questions:
– who, what, when, where, why, howNormal 3 year old questions:
– why
– why
– why
– why
– why
– why
– why
– why
my mom texts me money bag emojis when i forget to pay her just like the mob.
My cat has taught me that an 80:20 ratio of sleep to physical activity is really the way to go