COMPUTER: Enter your password
ME: [types ‘posh_people’s_tea’]
COMPUTER: Your password is too weak
ME: [high fives computer]
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we just got an unexpected parcel from my mother in law with a lovely set of iron windchimes and we could not figure out why on earth she’d sent us a gift so we rang her and turns out we both forgot it’s our anniversary tomorrow
At the bank and the teller asked the guy in front of me “how are you doing” and he took a deep breath and said “not great my cat f****ng hates me”
So it’s my turn and I go “that was the weirdest thing I’ve heard waiting in line here” and the teller says “I’ve met his cat. She does hate him.”
What is happening?
I just said “love you” to my boss when I put the phone down. Who’s got a spare room I can live out of?
Ladies time to start dating the older dudes
They can get you in the grocery store earlier
But have you tried crying about it?
-Toddlers
If you don’t open your mouth when you yawn, you’re a monster. I’m serious. Let that demon go. You’re freaking everybody out.
One time I screamed so hard about a professional athlete not playing through an injury I blew out my back and couldn’t work for a week.
Archeology has taught us that our ancestors were skeletons that lived underground and drank from broken cups.
I hate when recipes tell you to take something out of the pan and add it back in later. No way bro. It’s staying in there.
This cashier is a moron
-Me at self checkout
Kids follow me into every room: Come on guys, give me space
Dog follows me into every room: Awww whOoos mamas lil sidekick
Don’t let anyone treat you like yesterdays reheated spaghetti.
I just got a text saying they lost my cell number & could I send it. This is the level of stupid I deal with.
Bride and groom: *exchanging rings*
Galadriel: but they were all of them deceived, for another ring was made…
People complain about their looks, but no one complains about their brains.
Feels like there should be a middle ground
“Those ducking cops will never catch me!”
– dialogue from the action-adventure video game Grand Theft Autocorrect
[eating cured meats and mixed cheeses while jumping out of an airplane] lmao pacharcuterie
My 6-year-old is always asking me about how I got bitten by a bear when I stuck my hand in a bear cage as a little girl and it becomes increasingly embarrassing to correct him every time and say that I was in fact a big girl.
Adult. I was an adult.
Invited my girlfriend to a charity bbq where they’re roasting a whole pig and when she asked ‘what’s the charity’ I said it was for the pig’s family.
I am looking properly as I cross the road my child said as her face disappeared completely inside her hood each time she looked left and right.
YOU: Hi.
ME: *breathes in deeply, making my body puff up so that it seems too big to eat*
my Roomba bravely tries to trip my attacker as they chase me through the house
I wish I had the self-confidence of people on Twitter who threaten to unfollow others unless their demands are met.
[12 hours without eating]
Maybe Hannibal Lecter was just really hungry
Pac-Man: what’s for dinner?
Ms Pac-Man: 🌕🌕🌕
Pac-Man: again?
Ms Pac-Man: you’re welcome to eat a ghost if you can find one
I am far too familiar with the bathroom floor to ever be judgemental of anyone else’s life decisions.
Becky on Facebook is having a bad hair day and wonders if anything will ever go right. Be strong Becky, be strong. Also shut up.
Someone asked me if a co-worker was going to quit without notice. I correctly said notice isn’t required, employment in our state is ‘at-will.’ I was written up for “spreading rumors.” I worked 1 day into the next month to ensure 30 days more benefits and quit without notice.
WIFE: we need to talk about your drinking habit
ME (wearing a nun outfit): why *sips scotch* what’s wrong with it?