Everything that is wrong with America, in one image.
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warranty company said my claim was denied because the tear on our couch is a seam tear and not an actual rip or tear. so i’m going to give my 5yo a steak knife and let him be near the couch for a second.
Spent $20 on face coverings for my kids but I’m saving thousands of dollars on braces.
I can tell the way my kids inherited my sarcasm by the way I want to punch them in the face every time they use it.
Jesus: I have to die because of sin
God: Yes
Jesus: Which you created as punishment
God: Yes
Jesus: For eating an apple
God: Yes
Jesus: No
Don’t give a women flower, she may have hay fever.
Don’t give her chocolate, she may be on a diet!
Give her wifi so there’s no excuse.
[first date]
HER: I like a man who can show his true feelings.
ME: *leans in close* I don’t care what you like.
To avoid eating all the Halloween candy, I got tiny Bibles to hand out instead but, nope, I’ve eaten all those too.
i was just introduced to a toddler name Frank.
i realize now that i didn’t mentally prepare myself for this possibility.
My wife just opened a bottle of wine so my chances of getting laid just went from 0 to 750ml.
Well, shit
Technology: the world is at your fingertips, you can accomplish anything!
Twitter: nope
Breaking the little-known 11th Commandment – thou shalt not covet thy neighbours baguette. Exodus 20:17.
Me: I was just killing time
Arresting officer: Tim. His name was Tim
“africanized killer bees” are trending so it’s a good time to mention that Killer Bees are literally an escaped scientific experiment gone wrong, like in the movies
[quietly opens a beer]
Funeral Director: seriously?!
Me: oh sorry [reaches into cooler and hands him one]
I remember when rollercoasters were fun, not a daily emotional existence.
me as a child: I want dinosaur chicken nuggets
me as an adult: I want dinosaur chicken nuggets
me on my death bed: I want dinosaur chicken nuggets
imagine prince eric watching ariel get her voice back in the little mermaid and finding out she sounds exactly like donald duck
All peanut butter is crunchy if you mix chocolate chips into it.
How often do I make chemistry jokes? Periodically.
I actually told one the other day. There was no reaction…
Shampoo bottles are more dramatic than little brothers. Like I barely touched you! Why did you fall down!?
last night i was walking frankie and she started sniffing the air rly intently so i let her follow the trail cause i was like omg what if it’s a missing person?? we could save them!!! but no, it was a grilled cheese sandwich in a bush 😔
When I’m drafting a legal document, I’ll sprinkle the word “herein” all over that shit like it’s paprika.
I haven’t watered my plants in months and they’re thriving!
-my kid not realizing what moms do
“More people are killed by toasters than sharks”. So if you’re swimming in the ocean and see a toaster, you’re in big trouble.
Unappreciated diet tip: If you want to lose a significant amount of weight, it’s important to start out really fat.
When Cookie Monster stays in bed and eats cookies all day it’s hilarious and adorable.
But when I do it, people are all, “Excuse me, you’re making a mess. You’ve been here for hours and if you’re not going to buy a mattress, you have to leave.”
me: hey, cute dog, what’s his name
guy w/ dog: Robert
me: Robert
guy: yeah
me: [grabs him by shirt] wtf is wrong with you
Apparently my neighbors are having a slamming the door every 5 minutes party