Swordfish: my nose looks ridiculous.
God: at least you have a cool name.
Swordfish: so?
God: I could have made you look ridiculous AND have a dumb name.
Swordfish: but why would you do that to someone?
Hammerhead Shark: yes God why would you do that to someone?
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[murder scene]
DETECTIVE: Let’s run through the suspects.
PARTNER: Okay.
DETECTIVE: Who’s the most likely?
PARTNER: The husband, for sure.
DETECTIVE: Who else?
PARTNER: Her business partner.
DETECTIVE: And, the least likely?
PARTNER: *shrugs* Tom Hanks, I guess.
Breakfast is the most important meal of the day, desserts are the second most important.
#WasSoAmusing Some of it. That’s why…for some this works…others need it “perfect”.
The older you get the farther away your toenails are when they need a trim
Grey Goose and Red Bull, because two sets of wings is better than one.
I remember when “Something’s eating up data.” meant that guy from Star Trek was deeply troubled.
Judas: How long are your arms?
Jesus: Why?
Judas: Like in a cross, how long
Jesus: A what?
Judas:Across. How long across.
me: *sobbing* please help him he’s eaten a bunch of socks
veterinarian: I can’t fix a clothes dryer
Tonight we’re gonna party like its 1999.
No seriously, Greg’s been in a coma for 14 years. We’ll tell him that shit tomorrow night though.
My gf wants us to try couples counseling and I said we should use my therapist bc he already knows what’s wrong with her
Me: I’ve lost the dictionary
Her: Can you look upstairs?
Me: I can’t look up anything
Inmate: Did you bring a cake with a file in it?
Me: *holding file folder containing cake photos* I may have misunderstood.
If you pass the drug test at dominos they fire you
We had a ninja competition tonight but we don’t know if anyone showed up.
I’m so old, I remember when a hashtag was called a pound sign.
And before that, we used to play Tic-Tac-Toe on that shit.
Feeling hurt and lonely. My usual Top Chef watch party attendees said they won’t be coming because of social distancing. They’re my cats and they live with me so I’m very confused.
I want what every guy wants: To be involved in a rooftop chase.
Home improvement
but it’s just me replacing the metal tubes in the neighbor’s wind chimes with tampons.
Noah’s flood = God clearing his browser history
No matter how lazy you feel, just remember that Goldilocks decided to take a nap during a b&e.
Do all gothic horror stories have to be in ancestral family homes? I am too poor for generational hauntings.
If I was a microplastic I would simply not go in the ocean or anyone’s mouth.
Me: Why did I walk in this room?
My brain: Not sure but here’s a song from 2005 I’m gonna play on repeat for the next 10 hours.
My mother-in-law said “just do what you normally do” when she came to stay with us. Not going to lie, naked Saturday was a little awkward.
“Are you sexually active?”
No
“Any drug use?”
No
*doctor laughs, does the jerk off motion and leaves*
A reality show where gay marriage opponents have to live under 100% Biblical laws for six months so they can show us how awesome it is.
If he has other girls who make him smile, be different and make him cry.
*buys shed at B&Q*
B&Q: Are you putting this up yourself?
Me: No, it’s going in the garden.
B&Q:
Me:
B&Q: I can’t help you anymore.
“How cute. You have smile lines”
Me: those are from clenching my jaw
I was bitten by a radioactive vegan, and now I have the power to bore people to death.