[guy inventing wicker furniture]
think I might knit myself a chair
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We have to operate now
if the cancer spreads anymore you won’t be able to tell the difference between people & food
“Are you nuts?”
Dear God
I become instantly beautiful when I put on my sunglasses.
-Every girl, ever.
Good things about drinking on the plane:
1. You don’t have to drive.
2. No matter how much you drink, they can’t throw you out.
I once found a deflated “Get Well Soon” balloon in a graveyard and there’s never been anything more representative of the human condition.
Limp Bizkit: keep rollin rollin rollin rollin
Humpty Dumpty: [falling off wall] I feel so attacked
genie: hello-
me: i wish for a goth figure skater to get into the olympics and do a routine to welcome to the black parade
My foray into the comic book world was brief after failing to garner any sales of my series “The Banana Face Lady and the Martian Man” to my 4th grade class.
The vast majority of spider couples met on the web.
*At the couch store
“How many loads of laundry does this one hold?”
A girl who bullied me in junior high just friended me on Facebook. Her three kids are named after trees. I win.
If dogs have taught me anything, it’s that barking is a GREAT way to get rid of people you don’t want to speak to. Works for me EVERY TIME.
In banana years, I am bread.
Why is it called an avalanche and not buried at ski?
God’s Wife: I just need some space!
God: (passive aggressively creates the universe)
😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭
[at my funeral]
*casket falls onto the floor*Mum: that’s the quickest I’ve ever seen him move
Dad: lol owned
I just innocently told my wife that for the past 8 years I’ve thought it was okay to put bobbles and hair pins in the bin if they’re just left lying around.
Holy shit. What a moment.
Mom: why are your eyes dilated
Me: your eyes dilate up to 45% when you look at something you love
Mom: what were you looking at
Me: memes
They are only bad decisions if you get caught
Why did we stop at bread bowls? Make the whole kitchen out of bread, you cowards!
I put on a blue vest and walked out of Lowe’s with 9 hammers
Children look up to me. They say “Hey mister why are ya sleepin in that tree?”
I got a notice we are taking company pictures today.
*walks in dressed as Super Girl.
5:21am: I hope someone gets mad at me today.
5:22am: Oh good.
When kids ask for a lollipop after a haircut it’s fine, but apparently when an adult asks for one after “doing a really good job sitting” it’s frowned upon. Unfair.
Cute waiter: Hi, what can I get for you?
Me: *accidentally barks*
girls don’t like boys who are punctual..
once this girl dumped me because i came early
Her: You’re an insensitive jerk.
Me:
Her: You only think about yourself.
Me:
Her: And your tweets aren’t funny.
Me: YOU TAKE THAT BACK!
My family has that exceptional ability to make a root canal seem pleasant.
*Ok, don’t let them know you’re a dog*
Him: The job is yours. Here’s the keys to your new office. [tosses keys]
*catches keys in my mouth*