Everyone shut up, my 1st grader is telling me a 30-minute long story about how Laberham Lincoln got shot.
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[having sex]
ME: sex sounds
PARTNER: are you saying “sex sounds”
OK, I’m ready for Senior Mints now.
Him: What are you doing?
Me: Tweeting.
Him: Gah. Such a colossal waste of time.
Me: *stare*
Him: *goes back to playing Candy Crush*
Disney made such a big deal of kissing dead people. I kissed one dead person and now I’m no longer allowed at the morgue
[commercial for string cheese] do you like cheese?
me: YES
“do you like string?”
me: yes?
The lack of proof that Robert Downey Jr is stalking me just convinces me that he is very good at it.
When I’m good I’m great. When I’m not good I’m the piano falling out of the window of people
I’m done travelling by scooter, I moped.
independence day 2 has been out in the US for mere hours and it has already been upstaged by a somehow even worse independence day overseas
‘Do what you want!’ she cried lying back on the bed. ‘I love a man who takes control.’
‘OK’ he said and put her CDs into alphabetical order.
Me: For dinner we’re having Fettucine Alfredo
Alfredo: Fettucine and what?
Magneto: Curses! How did you find my secret lair? Telepathy? Satellites?
Wolverine: every compass in town is pointing at you, bro, how do you not know this
You attract more men when you smell like butter, sautéed ham and onions than any expensive perfume.
People who write “loosing” when they mean “losing” need to get loost.
Met the daughter’s new boy friend. Grabbed his crotch and whispered ‘looking forward to tonight’s three way’… And that is that.
[on plane]
Me: It’s ok, more ppl are killed by hippos than by plane crashes
Pilot: This is your captain speaking, I’m a hippo btw
Me: Nooooo
Can we stop making up bullshit words like ‘peopling’ and ‘taxes’?
HER: I love Deadpool
ME: I love Dead Pool
HER: Oh, cool, you read comics too?
ME: *staring out at pond where I toss victims’ bodies* Hmm?
The only reason I’d want to go to heaven is to complain to the manager.
To combat the sibling rivalry that’s been occurring at home, we’ve been spending more time outdoors. So essentially they’re just taking it outside.
*brings whipped cream to bed*
Husband: Ohh, are we trying something new?
Me: Will you hold this pumpkin pie while I get comfortable?
Personal trainer: So what’s your goal?
Me: I wanna look good in pictures that I’m not taking myself!!
[introducing my children]
…and these cuties here are the 3 times I tried sex
When I was a kid I never understood why my aunt had a cartoon sunflower on her sliding glass door until the day she took it off and I broke my nose
me, disguised as a lamb: *into earpiece* target is headed to school
spy hq: none suspect you, right?
me: roger
spy hq: keep her in sight
[later]
teacher: mary, does your lamb follow you everywhere you go?
me: i’ve been made
spy hq: abort mission! ABORT!! ABORT!!!
Lord, give me the confidence and attitude of my toddler at dance class. Amen
“Oh yeah, that thing you REALLY liked last time? Well guess what YOU WILL NEVER SEE IT AGAIN”
-Costco.
A lot of people think it’s embarrassing Elvis died shitting in his bathroom but it would be way more embarrassing if he died shitting in his kitchen
[birth of Jesus]
First Wise Man: Here is some frankincense
Second Wise Man: Got you some myrrh
Third Wise Man: This is gold
First Two Wise Men: Hey, we agreed on a spending limit
If you’re not carrying around matchbooks from places you’ve been recently I don’t know why you don’t want your murder to be solved