WIFE: Shouldn’t you be at work?
ME: I took care of it.
BOSS: [to the cardboard cutout of Shaq with my face glued on it]
Nice work today.
You Might Also Like
If by “interests” you mean vices, then sure, I have several outside interests.
Six degrees of separation but it’s me trying to get a discount through a friend of a friend of a friend.
The only way an adult coloring book could help calm my stress is if it was somehow edible.
I’m proud to announce that am winning my fight against sobriety.
Valentine’s Day is all about punching people in the heart.
[mission]
CMDR: Did everyone sync their watches?
ME: Yeah and now it doesn’t work
CMDR: What? Let me see
ME: I can’t…it’s in the sink
Me: This whole lockdown is making it very hard to find my soulmate.
Husband: I’m sitting right here.
Sometimes 6 is smart like her mom and other times she gets her head stuck in the footboard of her bed when she’s supposed to be sleeping.
click on one injured animal rescue video, the algorithm just goes “Oh you like this” & shows you dogs getting run over by lawnmowers forever
me: i’ll have the steak
waiter: this is a vegan restaurant
me: ok i’ll have the vegan
In America, feng shui is just aiming all of your furniture at the TV.
I’m no body language specialist but I would interpret Gary Busey’s smile as saying, “I may or may not have eaten your parakeet.”
Mice are just frozen Mwater.
“So I go east? Then west? Then back east?”
~ Me, drunk and getting directions from the inflatable stick figure in front of a car dealership
Me: WHAT DO WE WANT?!
Funeral attendees:
Me (whispering): Grandma back.
jesus [resurrected from the dead]: alright boys let’s get them eggs
peter: w-what
jesus: egg hunt it’s a thing we’re doing now
john: are you ok
peter: jesus you seem a little… off
jesus: *turning chicken into marshmallow* you have to do this every year
When I meet someone new I always determine if they’d be an ally or food, in the event of a zombie apocalypse.
I’m a go with the flow kind of gal unless the flow is after 9pm or involves people I don’t know or parallel parking.
[driving to occult ceremony]
“I’m just gonna have one sacred elixir”
[2 hours later]
[floating in midair chugging straight from the ram’s skull] BEQUEATH ME ANOTHER
I thought we agreed on rhyming wedding vows Brenda I looked like an amateur out there
no!! no!!!!!!
i dont like how monkeys have taken ownership of the whole banana thing. i bet i like bananas almost as much as they do
Alligators sewing little pictures of rich white people on their shirts.
When I tell my dental hygienist that I floss regularly, I’m lying through my teeth.
[first day as furniture salesman]
Guy [inspecting bed]: nice, solid frame. Who makes it?
Me: you or your wife. Whoever gets up last really
Satan was all alone with Eve, NAKED, at the forbidden tree and all he did was to convince her to eat a fruit? GAY.
STAND-UP COMEDIAN: you know how after sex-
ME: [stands up all mad] this isn’t relatable at all
If you’re going to walk a mile in my shoes, take my fitbit with you.
I ate vegetables and now I’m hungrier than before. Donuts don’t betray me like this.
The only good part about moving is you find every single pair of scissors you have ever owned