Me: whaddu mean “no”
Donut shop employee: we cannot pump the custard directly into your mouth to “save hella time”
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I’m just a girl, standing in front of a wood chipper, rented under a fake name
Learn to negotiate like my 5-year old. Instead of asking, “Can we please get a kitty?” he asked, “Are we getting a kitty today or tomorrow?”
“What are these markings on the map?”
“They’re hill areas”
“Yeah they’re very funny, but what do they mean?”
My wife still brings up the one time in 2014 when an open bag of popcorn fell from the top kitchen cabinet and I whispered cornfetti
[breaking up yet another fight]
Me: Why do you always fight with your sisters?
6-year-old: Because I always win.
I do this awesome move at the dance club with my shoulders where i slump them down and go back to my hotel and violently masturbate
My youngest child is choosing to drop out of homeschool and instead pursue her B.E.D.
6-year-old: Where did the tornado go?
Me: Don’t worry. It’s gone.
6: To where?
Me: It just disappeared
6: Isn’t that a little bit fishy?
[Sporting goods store]
Me: *buying skis* No need for a bag my good man. I’ll be wearing them out
If you thought going to the movies was expensive before, now you need a boat
academia has you beefing with someone 3k miles away who is also one of only 4 people on earth who likes the same stuff as you
I think the reason giraffes don’t ride in hot air balloons is that their faces would probably get fried off in that flame thing.
Next time someone says “I’m a hugger” and tries to hug me I’m gonna say “I’m a puncher” and see how it goes.
Finished the cable concealer project. Finally my wife will be so proud of me
Me: Siri, what is happiness?
Siri: [in Batman voice] You will never know.
My pics are real.
I don’t use any filters.
I don’t even use coffee filters.
I eat coffee straight outta the container like a man
Sure my kids were embarrassed when I asked to have a manager come to our table, but the menu didn’t list a 50¢ charge for extra ranch dressing and I’m hella pissed.
[Freddy Krueger comes to kill me in my nightmare]
Me: OMG I can’t believe I’m actually sleeping.
Oh, I shouldn’t worry? Why didn’t I think of that?
I just saw a woman outside sitting alone on a bench and staring at nothing and it made me so sad. I wonder what happened to her phone?
In Canada they just call them geese
Van Gogh: “Dude, I saw this hella vase of sunflowers today.”
Gauguin: “Pics, or it didn’t happen.”
[van gogh pulls out oil paints & easel]
My refrigerator died. In lieu of flowers, a new fridge would be nice.
A lot of people say “we need to” when they mean “you need to”. We need to stop that.
Her: I want you to leave me breathless
Me: *hides her inhaler
There are some people who when they hit rock bottom, they refuse to just lie there…
They just pick up a shovel and started digging.
*pulls motorist over*
COP: Are you high?
MAN: If I were high would you look like a breathing tree?
*one leaf silently falls from cop*
A friend had a new baby girl.
Her coworker asked: “What’s her name?”
My friend replied: “Melanie Noelle.”
Her coworker: “How do you spell it, then?”
My dog just watched me take my contacts out and I think she may need therapy now.
8: mummy would you like me to give you a massage every evening
Me: you will inherit everything I own