It puts the lotion in the basket. Then it calls the wife to make sure it’s the right brand so it doesn’t get the hose again.
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*comes back with wife’s purse*
w: I said don’t run or people will think you stole it! How many times did you get tackled?
m:[bleeding] Twice
A nice way to tell someone their breath stinks, “well I’m bored,let’s go brush our teeth” in mid convo
“Rolls Royce” is my favorite car that sounds like an Australian describing a sushi chef
when someone calls you and you miss the call but you call them back literally one second later and they don’t answer. what’s going on there. did you drop your telephone in a well. did you get axe murdered.
My wife is great at multitasking. She can be mad at me for five different things at the same time.
Texting drivers running over texting pedestrians: a modern day zombie apocalypse.
Me: I’m interested in your doggy daycare program for my puppy.
Clerk: Okay. It’s $45 for a full day, and they get to just play and sleep and eat treats and hang out with other puppies.
Me: Can…can I join, too?
This store brand ice cream tastes like someone tried chocolate once, then spent years drunkenly trying to recreate it in a lab
[at the shooting range]
Recruit: Sir, I missed every target.
Officer: Perfect.
*makes him a stormtrooper*
How to stop checking someone’s Facebook page:
1. Delete your Facebook profile
2. Break your phone
3. Give away your laptop
4. Die
Realtor Dog: if you’d like to buy this house, pee here… and here
Note to future self:
Tequila is a liar.
You do not sound exactly like Axl Rose & the people at karaoke will not catch you if you stage dive
Me: eugh! What have you done to this food?
Them: That’s called flavour
Me, a Brit: Well, I dont like it
any boring old meeting can become a seance if everyone works together
In 8th grade my teacher told me if I didn’t stop talking I wouldn’t remember anything from her class. Well, 20+ years later, and I’m here to tell her she was totally wrong. I remember Craig. The boy who sat next to me and ate his scabs.
Now I can’t wear my nude crystal dress this weekend.
Thanks, Rihanna.
I imagine the best part about driving a smart car is that when there’s no parking spots you can just put it in your backpack.
Dogs can be sound asleep, get up and shake it off and they’re ready to go. I tried this and sprained my neck
I stick pins and needles in the people I don’t like because can’t afford voodoo dolls.
My son asked me where poo came from. I was a little uncomfortable but gave him an honest answer. He looked perplexed and stared at me for a minute then asked….and tigger???
Ashley Madison website is having problems. But instead of addressing them directly, it’ll just look for a younger hotter website on the side
I’ve already accomplished* so much today
*been afraid of a goose
[typing in parental control pin]
5: why do you go so fast? I’m trying to see it. I know it ends with 3, 4 but nothing I’ve tried works
Note from 5yo:
“I need help with my meth.”
I think she means math. Either way, asking for help is the first step, so good for her.
When something is boring we shouldn’t call it vanilla. Vanilla is a rich and complex flavor. When something is boring should call it “red velvet.”
Hell yes we can still be friends if you don’t drink, I’m not that shallow. You have a driver’s license, right??
ME: *goes on mute after giving update on a conference call*
MY 4 Y/O: [standing behind me baffled] daddy, what does any of that even mean?
ME: i don’t know, girl. i don’t know
When someone says “We can still be friends” after a break up it’s like saying…”The dog died but can we still keep it?”
My lame jokes will never be as shitty as the people who respond to them with “ba dum tss”.
Teaching my first English course this semester has been rewarding but I don’t know what to do with this student