I found an old set of stationary I ordered when I was 10 … will be using it for all future business correspondence
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Annie: I feel weird
Michael Jackson: I have the best idea for a song
its prettey gutsy that u call urself a salad, potato salad
Yellowstone visitor upset bears didn’t show (Would like park service to train them):
My daughter had a friend who comes over that makes my other kids look less weird. I wish she was here more often.
doctor: open up
me: it all started when my dad left
doctor: and say ahh
me: oh
doctor: no, “ahh”
TV chef warns against “over vegetablizing” a sandwich. I lean in closely, hoping he’s also against “under buttering” everything else.
I’ll never have the opportunity to Say Yes to the Dress, but I’ll Say Yes to the Cookie like, three times a day. Minimum.
Doctor: Your blood pressure is a little high.
Me: I have 4 kids.
Doctor:
Me:
Doctor: Your blood pressure is a little low.
@brookeG105 @SwedishCanary @funTweeters @Mad_Humor
Me: Okay, I may have hidden all the turkey bacon in the grocery store to save humanity from this awfulness, so sue me!
Judge: That is literally what is happening here.
I like the murder hornets. So sick of all the negativity.
Quick question, how long do you have to drive around with a cracked windshield before it magically fixes itself? It’s been two weeks and I think I’m doing something wrong.
Guys who resent their friends for not sharing their hair products are gel less.
[on honeymoon in Paris]
Her: Look, there’s the Eiffel Tower
Me: Wait, I thought you said you’d never been to Paris before?
Me: Look, I really stuck my neck out for you and-
Vampire: wow
Me: Right off the bat you- No, I’m just saying it bites, I mean it sucks when-
Vampire: WOW
My son calls them “please cars” because any time I speed past a cop he hears me mutter “please don’t pull me over!”
I’ve adopted an elephant virtually. The elephant itself is actually.
Shoplifting condoms call that seizing the means of protection
My 8-year-old has been explaining his video game to me since 2003
Will I be able to follow Children of the Corn if I didn’t see the prequels, Babies of the Corn and Toddlers of the Corn?
professor x: what’s ur superpower
me: i take things literally
professor x: that’s not a superpower
me:
professor x: where’s my pen
My 6-year-old: What’s the difference between a barracuda & a shark?
Me: When a barracuda is near, you’ll hear a guitar riff. When it’s a shark, you’ll hear a tuba.
Me: this movie sucks
Boss: for the LAST time, this is a ZOOM. MEETING!
girlfriend: [seductively] is there anything new you’d like to try in bed
me: maybe spaghetti but I’d probably make a mess
I hope Obama spends the last 2 years of his term replying to all the tweets we’ve sent him.
Dog 1: *whispering* you got any drugs?
Dog 2: who said that? Are you a spider?
My toxic trait is that if you see me naked, that girl from the ring murders you in 7 days
[police lineup]
Cop: step forward and say ‘boing boing’
Suspect 1: boing boing
Suspect 2: boing boing
Desk lamp: boing boing
Wife of Pixar’s letter i: that’s the one. He killed my husband
HER: I can’t believe you made a pillow fort for day drinking in.
ME: ᵖˡᵉᵃˢᵉ ᶜᵃˡˡ ᶦᵗ ᶜᵃˢᵗˡᵉ ᴳʳᵉʸ ᴳᵒᵒˢᵉ ˢᵏᵘˡˡ
HER:
ME:
HER:
ME: ᴵ ʰᵃᵛᵉ ᵗʰᵉ ᵖᵒʷᵉʳ
HER: You have a problem.
Homeschooling, day 8:
People do this willingly?