You can’t scare me. You’re not my child telling me that she’s tidied my bedroom and that there’s a surprise..
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The first three quarters of a meeting takes three quarters of the time, and the last quarter takes the other three quarters of the time.
You’re not impressing anyone, server who didn’t write down our orders. You’re just making us anxious.
Walruses? Walri? Walrus?
Anyway…They’ve escaped.
[after a date getting dropped off at my gingerbread house]
me: I’d invite you upstairs but I recently ate my furniture
Everybody needs a special place they can escape to.
*drives to liquor store
I don’t do Botox anymore cause when I can’t make my angry face, people just assume it’s ok to talk to me.
[break-in]
BURGLAR: [cracks safe]
COP: Not so fast, kiddo
BURGLAR: [cracks safe more slowly]
I want to meet the individual who made this
My wife had me take out more life insurance and now there’s no grip left on the bath mat. Weird.
a sourdough starter is just an artisanal tamagotchi for millennials
Dr: any side effects from that new medicine?
Me plopping myself down onto his lap: it makes me overly affectionate
{notices you’re wearing silver earrings}
sorry your ears came in 2nd
All I’m saying is waking up at night because you have to pee in a dream is better than actually peeing in the dream…
Americans should be asking Santa for better presidential candidates and nothing else.
Me: bathe me in the dust of those I have devoured
Friend: are you talking to your Cheetos
Me: I want to buy this chicken
Farmer: Ok. Gonna take him home and eat him?
*imagines self fighting crime with new chicken buddy*
Me: Yes
How it started: How it’s going:
“How many volunteers do we have for my evil army?”
384 my liege
“Ok, round them up”
400 my liege
Lunchables™? huge waste of money! I have my kids mill their own wheat then hunt, kill & field strip a wild bologna
“The name’s Bond, James Bond…
and you are”?
If I was a Premier League manager and my team were playing an 8:15pm midweek match, I’d give my players just one piece of advice before kick-off:
Brush your teeth now and wear your pyjamas under your kit. That way, you’ll be able to go to bed quicker when you get home.
Well well well, if it isn’t the guy from the cloud shapes in the sky…
Cute guy: Is this seat taken?
Me: (ok, play it cool) No. *smiles*
Him: *takes chair away*
11-year-old: I folded the laundry.
Me: You only folded one thing.
11: Is laundry plural?
If you’re gonna name your son after you, at least make it interesting. Like, instead of Junior, go with something like “Jeff 2: Revenge of the Jeff
HER: I was mauled by a bear mountain biking
ME: *long drag on cigarette* what kinda bike was it riding, Carol
Probably just poor graphic design…
Still not gonna drink from it.