Every once in a while you feel like someone is watching out for you, and it’s not the sniper on the roof
You Might Also Like
my friend trusts me to be around her boyfriend alone because i’m basically her scary father he’s forced to bond with to earn my respect
Couldn’t remember my cute doctor’s name so I just called him
Cashing in my goldfish today.
Wish me luck!
Parents these days take their kids to the E.R for scraped knees and paper cuts..
When I was 11 I died and my mom told me to walk it off
“Go on, fake throw the ball again, Phil. I dare you.”
hot girls stay up late just so they can finally have some alone time
“We’ll see” is Parentese for “No.”
I’m a people person.
Mmmf. Sorry, my mouth was full. Let me try again.
I’m a pizza person.
[shitfaced at my HS reunion] Has anyone seen the lunch lady
Moth = Daughter.
Flame = Me, on a work video call.
[Joining a gang]
me: so who do I stab for initiation?
members: again, this is a book club
If you live alone and you have pets they don’t know your name
*brings vasectomy paperwork to speed dating*
*crosses the street slowly in front of your car at an extreme and unnecessary angle*
im not former gifted student. i am still gifted. put me in a fourth grade class i’ll annihilate them all like i did the first time
The good news is it wasn’t a bug. The bad news is I beat the crap out of a black bean on the floor with my shoe.
Let’s cut to the chase babe. I’ve only got a few DMs left.
WIFE: Wanna split the last slice of pizza?
ME: Nah, you take it
KING SOLOMON (entering dramatically): You, sir, are the pizza’s real mother
Buzzfeed writer wanted. Must love current events, pop culture and have a Bachelor’s degree and a history of head injuries.
3 days ago my best friend texted me that his dog is sick and he paid a ton of money for surgery and the dog might survive.
I replied “I hope it does”, but autocorrect changed it to “I hope it dies” and I just noticed now.
To the twenty something year old girls who think forty something year old women are jealous of them- enjoy your next 240 periods!
{Goldfish Funeral}
GOLDFISH 1: We’ll never forget him
GOLDFISH2: Forget who?
G1: What are you talking abo-OH MY GOD WHAT HAPPENED TO TEDDY?!
Apparently being half naked on a conference call is especially not appropriate when it’s the left half.
Doctor: Exactly how long have you been incontinent
Me: *pooping my pants* I’ve actually never left North America doc
My kid is not a good sleeper so I’ll fight pretty much anyone about pretty much anything.
my last few brain cells clinging on for dear life
[in bed]
BF: Why are you scared?
ME: Cuz your Mom’s here
BF: She’s not bad
*Mom hands me pregnancy test* This better be positive by sunrise
It’s amazing the little things you learn about your kids as they grow everyday.
For example today I learned my 3yo is kind of a mean drunk.