I don’t want to make anyone jealous right now, but I’m sitting in a restaurant in Universal Studios while 2 of my kids cry and refuse to eat their food.
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Dean Martin: When the moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie
Neil deGrasse Tyson: I don’t even know where to begin with this
Sexy lingerie is for single folks… cause when you married, and you gotta fold that shit, it loses all of its appeal… I’m over here struggling, makin a buncha thong balls… these joints is harder to fold than a fitted sheet… #SaturdayMorning
Not today
Establish dominance by saying “I thought you’d say that” in response to everything anyone says to you.
Met a hot girl in the bar.
She said if I give her 500 bucks she’ll show me a real good time. So I gave her 500 bucks and she ran 100 meters in 12 seconds.
You girls are so cute, talking about crumbs in your bra. I found a missing hiker in mine.
my friend trusts me to be around her boyfriend alone because i’m basically her scary father he’s forced to bond with to earn my respect
I saw this ending much differently.
shiny bag: THESE CHIPS ARE UNHEALTHY
matte bag: THESE CHIPS ARE FROM A FARM AND GOD LOVES THEM
INCORRECT PUNCTUATION STARTS FIGHTS:
Happy April Fools!!!
VS.
Happy April, Fools!!!
My doctor won’t go away. I know what you’re thinking but he has been eating small pieces of apple over many decades to build up an immunity.
The first clue I had taken the “eyes on the back of my head” thing too far was when the teacher asked why my kid thinks I’m an alien
HER: Mmm you smell good.
ME: Thanks. I use both my nostrils.
person walking by my house:
my dog: I’ve killed people for less
THEM: Yeah, I guess I’m just old-fashioned, I like TALKING on the phone like people used to do in more civil times.
ME: People used to burn witches and smoke on airplanes.
N = Someone
O = Doesn’t
P = Understand
E = Acronyms
waitress on law & order: oh yeah, he came in for lunch three months ago with a pretty brunette. they sat at table 3 and had an argument
me as a waitress: you’re telling me this man with a limp, a scar, and a funny hat came in yesterday? sure, maybe. don’t remember
Therapist: We need to discuss why you think the moon is your enemy.
Me: He controls the tides, you know. That’s too much power.
Newscast in the background: “-unprecedented number of tsunamis this year-“
Me: He’s trying to silence me.
I took Social Studies for so many years, but I still don’t know how to socialize
Nailed it!👇🏻🤣🤣😆
Why did they call it long distance running and not fardio.
Yelling at my cat to stop hissing at my other cat, for god’s sake, Milo, we’ve got a pandemic on
I’m vacuuming all the snacks out of the couch in the game room and my dog is devastated because I found her secret stash.
Due to unforeseen circumstances, I will no longer be eating cheese I don’t remember putting in my purse
My kid always taking off her shoes like she got abducted mid-step
GHOST: I’m here to warn you to change your ways before it’s too late
POLTERGEIST: I’ma open your cupboards
Just heard local reports of a stalker, which is funny because I watch everyone through their windows and none of them look suspicious
Everyone is fighting a battle (with goblins) that you know nothing about (because you failed a perception check)
Interviewer: What’s your greatest strength?
Incredible Hulk:
Int:
Hulk: Is that a trick question?
snowmen are one of the cutest things about humanity tbh. like oh it snowed? why don’t we make a little guy about it