Fun prank: Wear a baby carrier with a parcel in it. Stand at mailbox and yell OH MY GOD WHAT HAVE I DONE!
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god: *creates human* whatcha think?
angel: nice, will it hurt itself in the dark?
god: *adds shins* now it will
Girl if the moon can block the sun, then you can definitely block your ex
I’m that bored in the house 🥺
#lockdownextension
Woke up bright-eyed and bushy-tailed this morning…
…scared the living shit out of me.
Judge: “How do you plead?”
Me: [looks at lawyer]
Lawyer: [mouths “not guilty”]
Me: “Hot milky”
Me: 911? My wife and I have been in an accident and
she hit the windshield!
911: How’s her head?
Me: Her sister’s better.
quick somebody give me a grocery to buy. I absolutely cannot walk out of this store with just cucumbers and coconut oil.
I don’t care how bad it looks in the casket I want to pay the boatman with fettuccine alfredo
Them: what charity are you raising money for?
Me: *in a bath of beans* raising money?
The worst thing about working from home is when you get on a customer call, the Amazon driver shows up, and you have a dog.
Seek kebab; not attention
Kids today are so coddled- Elf on the Shelf, Toy Story. In my day, if dolls magically came to life, they murdered you and everyone you loved
Jesus was the only man to return from the dead and not eat brains.
5yo discovered superglue when I wasnt looking. His theory is that is fixes everything, including ripped pages in books.
ME, anxiously practicing in mirror: Thanks a LOT. Thanks A lot. THANKS a lot.
*doorbell*
DELIVERY GUY: Here’s your food.
ME, blurting: THANKS A LOT OF DELIVERY GUYS GET KIDNAPPED
Kids today don’t even understand you could kill a person with a rotary phone.
interviewer: where do you see yourself in five years
me: i’d love to be a dinkwad (dual income no kids with a dog)
“Do you love the shape of hamburgers but hate that delicious taste?” -Veggie Burgers
make sure you check your drugs for candy tonight
using internet explorer to download chrome is like when my gf borrowed my car to cheat on me
“As a creative person I’m often asked where I get my ideas.” Yeah. As a creative person you often imagine people doing that but they don’t.
america: tremble at our nuclear might
also america: we skip the number 13 on elevators when we build skyscrapers cos that’s spooky
Oi, Sheeran, I just sang my wife “I’m in love with the shape of you” and her response was “and what shape would THAT be?!”. I’m in so much shit. Thanks for nothing, pal
“hush little baby” is my favorite lullaby that teaches infants about rampant consumerism
If I’m reading their lips correctly, my neighbors are arguing about some creepy guy next door.
People always say that when you have two kids that they’ll play together so it’s less work for the parents. Nobody mentions how loud they play together though.
I set out a suitcase to pack for my flight later today and spotted my 3 year old crawling inside it to hide. I casually zipped it up, yelled “I’M OFF TO THE AIRPORT, EVERYBODY!”, and carried it to the car. I’ve circled the block twice and my luggage hasn’t stopped laughing.
The hardest part of parenting is trying not to laugh in your kids face when they’re mad at you because you woke them up too early.
Flight Attendant: Is anyone on this plane a doctor
*Hands shoot up*
FA: …of love?
*I rise, resplendent in my leopard-print leisure suit*
Most computer problems stem from the lack of a fatherboard.
No? Ok, I’ll show myself out.