i quit boxing the moment i realized my opponent was allowed to punch me in the face too
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Reasons people get divorced:
-irreconcilable differences
-infidelity
-finances
-husband starts using the term boi
-lack of intimacy
I like to dye my hair when I stay in hotel rooms to make the housekeepers believe I’m on the run.
I say make the bed the second you get out of it. My sister says let the sheets cool first. We each suspect the other of instability.
My phone went from fully charged to 10% while I was sleeping, so I guess it leads a more exciting nightlife than I do.
[In Bar]
Friend: Your fly is down
Me: I know, he’s going through a messy divorce
*glances to fly passed out among empty beer bottles*
I just let a raccoon loose in my kitchen just so I’d have something to do tomorrow.
[Me, a famous art thief]
Art Garfunkel: Please put me down
My parents were great parents. They’ve always treated me and my brother, Douchenozzle McDisappointment, the exact same.
There’s going to be a full moon this Christmas!
Because mixing family and alcohol together wasn’t enough…
I hate when I go to review a podcast and someone before me said “wow, this pod makes my daily 6 mile run fly by!” and I’m like cool it also makes eating this giant bag of cheese balls fly by.
Some jerk called me “pretentious” so I called him a “planktupus.” I can make up nonsense words too.
I’m a girl that your mother could love. From a distance. Maybe you just show her a picture, and make a lot of shit up.
Whenever someone with a bumper sticker cuts me off I automatically dislike the cause they support. Right now I’m not too fond of Literacy
Today I beat my personal record of consecutive days alive.
*notices battery is at 4%*
*goes into airplane mode*
*turns down brightness*
*exits all apps*
*prays to jesus and compliments his sandals*
My 12-year-old daughter has been watching Hallmark movies all day and eyeing me with increasing disdain
My toxic trait is putting my black phone down on a black surface for “just a second”
5 easy ways to make money as a writer:
• Sell your blood
• Return cans and bottles
• Shoplift and re-sell items from a cart
• Learn to play guitar and busk
• Pawn your laptop
trump is putting everyone who works at goldman sachs in the government so that there’s no one left to run GS and they go out of business
Ughhhh my neck is killing me ..
*how I slept
*being chased down the stairs by a giant slinky* SPRING IS COMING
[God making a planet for the first time and just constantly screwing things up]
Ugh, first world problems.
I think it’s cool when websites don’t show what a shirt looks like on a person. Wow it looks great folded up floating in the Great Void, that’s exactly how I am going to wear it.
Day 2 of being Kidnapped.
Kidnappers have now committed suicide.
Taking my sunglasses out of 2’s hands while he naps in the car is the closest I will come to diffusing a bomb.
Not my job 😂
the compUtah Maineframe has crashed and Idaho how to fix it. Alaska round to find out Hawaii it happened. Are Delaware of the situation?
I helped my kids clean under their beds & we found 37 sticks, 15 rocks & their long-lost brother.
It’s no coincidence that Monday and Murder both start with M.
I just tried to make coffee with my air fryer, so TGIF