I want a car horn that shouts obscenities.
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Make your own “restaurant style” salsa by adding water to regular salsa.
Them: Just act casual
Me:
You know what would make my cubicle super cute? Fire.
baby dragon [lifting up a terrified medieval knight]: my dinner is cold
mommy dragon: just blow on it, dear
I was misbehaving during family game night. So now I’m in Solitaire confinement.
Was just in an elevator with my ex, so I stopped at every floor to show him he was wrong on so many levels.
[Masterchef]
Gordon Ramsay: describe the dish
Me: *proudly* ceramic, chef
The baby spit up on my Xbox so I had to get rid of it…
I’m gonna miss that baby…
[getting arrested for public nudity]
Cop: PUT YOUR HANDS OVER YOUR HEAD
Me: …
Cop: YOUR OTHER HEAD
*visiting Egypt*
“What the hell, they walk like everybody else!”
Me: I can’t do anything right
Therapist: You’re in my chair
Day 3 in the desert: I have somehow gained the respect of some birds as they are circling above me in some sort of protective formation
[ad for umbrellas]
[cut to me trying to swat away raindrops, just getting totally wet]
“There must be a better way!”
Voiceover: UMBRELLAS
11yo: My Girl Scout vest is lost. I’ve looked EVERYWHERE.
Me: *ransacks house looking*
*digs in garbage*
*combs through school’s 5-ton lost-and-found pile*
*forms 15 person search party*
*asks NASA if they’ve seen it*
11yo: I found it. I hung it up in my closet.
Walking my 6yo out to the car and pointing at a patch of dead weeds in the yard he says, “Mom what happened to those plants?!” and I’m like “those were dead before I got here I did not kill them.”
Calling someone unconventionally attractive is so funny like yeah you’re kind of busted but I can bravely see the beauty in you due to my Open Mind
Our daughter woke us up at 3am to tell us a ghost was tapping on her from under her bed. Obviously, she was having a dream but we’re going to sell the house just in case.
The wife and I decided we’re gonna try and have another baby so now she’s distracting the hospital security guy while I sneak in
Thought I had outsmarted my kid and his friend by telling them the baby monitor was a walkie talkie so I could keep an ear on them… and then the snack requests started.
I told my sons that we used to have to ask girls out and even break up face to face and the look of horror on their faces was priceless.
Ice cream. Ewes scream. We all scream because there are angry sheep in this Baskin Robbins.
HER: it’s pretty sad when people are incapable of moving beyond small talk
ME: do you like things?
i cannot say the word synonym without sounding drunk.
Me: Mow the lawn.
Son: I don’t want to.
Me: Me either, that’s why I’m telling you to do it.
Yoga class instructor: Welcome. Uhh why are you carrying a lightsaber?
Me: Misread the brochure I have.
CPR refresher class. We’re told, “If they’re not breathing, there’s no way you can make it worse.” Woman then trips; kicks dummy’s head off.
KID IN PARK [crying] I think my mum might of left me here
ME: Oh no!
WIFE: Talk to him
ME: Hey, listen kid *kneels down* it’s might HAVE
My wife set an auto-reply to all my texts that just says “No.”
Instead of a happy ending the masseuse gave me an indie movie ending. She stopped suddenly at a random point and left everything unresolved.
In my late forties, I now find myself with gray hair, a delightful assortment of aches and pains, and surprisingly strong opinions on decorative throw pillows.