Cashier: Will you be paying with credit card, Apple Pay, Google Pay, Tap To Pay, fruit, nuts, or the blood of a tiger?
Me: *hands cash*
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It seems that after checking my bank account, I need to turn to a life of crime
Ghost hunters use special cameras made specifically for taking soulfies.
Excessive use of commas is a serious
crime which may result in a long sentence.
Trying to support my wife’s fitness goals without coming across as ‘too’ supportive. “I’ll watch the kids if you wanna run on the treadmill. Not saying you need to…like only if you want to. Or do something different with that time cuz you’re perfect.”
If a guy runs his fingers through your hair, there is a 33.3% chance you are being used as a napkin.
When your mom is a nurse and your sister is a nurse, road trips begin with a minimum one hour of trading disgusting medical horror stories. And then we stop for breakfast.
Santa Claus: I bring presents to children around the world.
Easter Bunny: I bring children baskets of candy.
Tooth Fairy: I collect human teeth.
*others back away*
UK rappers be like “I’ve got a posh flat and my bird is very comely, I own more motors than the marchioness of cholmondeley”
Hear me out: A sensor on the back of your car that detects a tailgater and shines a blinding light in their stupid lil eyeballs.
Good Flirts: I’m enjoying getting to know you and don’t want it to stop.
Better Flirts: I’m trying so hard not to kiss you right now.
Me Flirting: Did you know, according to NASA, 1993’s Jurassic Park is the 7th most scientifically accurate film ever made?
All my life choices led me to this moment right here, and if that’s not an indictment of free will, I don’t know what is.
I totally understand how “please leave your brother alone” can be interpreted as “throw toys at him.” It’s just common sense.
[AA meeting]
Me: Hi, I’m Guy and I’m the Antichrist
Him: Er, did you mean you’re an alcoholic?
M: *eyes glowing red* Yes, sorry. That was just the tequila talking…
[person having normal conversation with me]
Brain: that reminds me of a song, you should sing as a response
The best murder weapon would be a tupperwear lid because nobody would ever find it
when you’re the new kid at school and you accidentally sit down at the “cool kids” table
Will I still enjoy it if I haven’t seen Shepherd’s Pie 1-5?
[You’re at Gwyneth Paltrow’s house and the power goes out]
NO. DEAR GOD, NO!
[repeating myself louder in the haunted house attraction] did the dracula throw water on anyone else’s pants??
Emotions? No thanks. I’m trying to cut down.
So apparently “You can’t tell me what to do, you’re not my real dad!” isn’t of much use when dealing with armed cops.
*lights low
*her fingers tracing a scar on my arm
Her: How’d you get this?
Me: *softly I whisper* Are you familiar with Scrapbooking?
{In the Bedroom}
Wife: C’mon baby, DEEPER!
Me: *frantically reaching between the mattress and headboard* I’m trying! I don’t feel the remote anywhere.
Dear Fox news,
I have yet to see any news about foxes.
Sincerely,
disappointed viewer.
Someone suggested that I try Acupuncture. I don’t think adding more pricks will make a difference.
My IQ used to be higher than my weight, but now I’m fat and dumb.
Fake nerd girl: I love Star Wars! I’m a big fan!
True fan: Oh yeah? Harass five cast members. I’ll wait
I will raise my son to treat your daughters like spoiled princesses, but only if you don’t raise your daughters to think they are. Deal?
A 32-year-old man was arrested in England after allegedly stealing a semi-truck that contained 200,000 Cadbury Creme Eggs, police said.
*plays Eye of the Tiger*
*starts runni…*
*yeah, screw this*