ME: *making lightsaber noises*
COWORKER: *in next urinal* you’re getting pee on my shoes.
You Might Also Like
Professor i’d like an extension on my paper. why? well my ex just got married & i have to comment “lame” on all her wedding pics on facebook
“OOOOH I haven’t taken THIS color before” I exclaim as I get new meds
Why do we always hurt the ones who eat the tator tots I was saving in the freezer?
My dad owned a convenience store when I was a kid and he would give me the keys to Ms. Pac-Man so I could play for free.
Let me tell you the drunk-with-power feeling that was for a 10 yr old pushing that credit button. I’ve been chasing that high ever since.
’50 shades of gray’ -worst set of crayola colored pencils.
How confused about the world are you right now, on a scale of 0 to “trying to figure out a friend’s shower”
Not my mom telling me she still talk to my ex because I still talk to her ex… Mam that’s my DAD
Everyone knows someone with a shelter dog that is 50% Chihuahua and 50% 8 other breeds that is calmer than any other dog in the world and lives to 25. Everyone likes them. The dog is always called like Squirt or something
“Do you have at least 15 tattoos?” – final question at interview to work in a kitchen in 2013
I hate it when I catch SpongeBob halfway through and I can’t follow the plot
airline: you need to pay to check luggage.
passenger: ok i’ll carry it on then.
airline: wow so weird we’re low on overhead space now.
I accidentally made eye contact with someone on a zoom meeting. I quickly looked away dripping in discomfort. Then I remembered it was zoom and we didn’t make eye contact at all, she looked at her camera.
If you see a “lost & found” box in the proctologist’s office keep walking.
[in bed]
gf: I thought we could experiment with toys
me: fine, but not my buzz lightyear
Homosexuality was still classified as an illness in Sweden in 1979. Swedes protested by calling in sick to work saying they felt gay.
Every photo taken inside my house has at least one laundry basket in the background.
Me: We’re well stocked with the necessities, let’s not waste food
What my kids hear: Yayy let’s eat, every hour, like it’s a cruise buffet
Just a reminder that nobody knew what was inside Willy Wonka’s factory when the contest happened. So people spent millions trying to find the golden ticket to witness what was most likely a standard assembly line operation.
Son: Dont be a square. Everything is groovy.
Me: What are you doing?
Son: Like totally speaking your language, fer sure!
Me:
Son: Hello fellow olds!
WHO DID THIS?
Last Christmas, I gave you my heart, the very next day you told me you’re gay….
Just watched a video in which a young lady referred to some shoes from the 90s as “vintage” so you can go ahead and shovel the dirt over me now
[talking to my guide dog]
this better be the hospital this time and not wimbledon again
[from a nearby speaker]
“FIFTEEN-LOVE”
You can usually tell which duck is the cop because he has a mustache and a gun.
Colonel Sanders started KFC when he was 65 years old. Which just goes to show… You’re never too old to cook chicken
I can’t afford a therapist so i bought a mood ring
Age 15: I wanna live in a mansion
Age 25: Ok a big house, in a nice neighborhood
Age 35: *googles ‘Best Months to Live Outside’*
[God making humans]
*watches YouTube video*
“Okay, got it!”
imagine being born on january 1st, you gotta wait a whole year just for it to be your birthday lol
Why is such a large part of early childhood education learning what sounds animals make. That’s never going to come up. It’s not even important if they ever meet those animals. I’ve never said “moo” to a cow and have it go “thank you for learning about my culture”