“How did your
*looks down at notes scribbled on hand*
favorite sports team do in their
*looks down again*
sporting contest today?”
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Btw the funniest thing you can do is openly not recognize a biglaw name. In law school someone told me she’d been an assistant for Mayer Brown and I asked what city they were the mayor of. Her face was incredible.
her: i’m a cat person
me:
her:
me: name one part of u that’s cat, Becky
Gross, who put proof in this pudding?
LOL at people with only 99 problems
What’s that like?
Writing tip: Read all your writing aloud to yourself, having first made a pentagram on the floor in salt. A demon should form in the pentagram. Give him your manuscript and tell him the name of your preferred publisher.
Living well is the best revenge. The second best revenge is carefully removing plants from someone’s garden & replacing their lawn gnomes with slightly larger lawn gnomes so they appear to be growing in size from eating the plants.
What idiot named them Minions and not Gru-pies
Me: Excuse me, where’s the rowing boat equipment?
Employee: Keep going down there, Oar Aisle.
Me: …
Employee: …
Me: Or you’ll what?
Sometimes if I trip on a crack I act like it’s no biggie by breaking into a jog and don’t stop until I’m in a new city with a new life.
the worst part about looking for the bathroom in the wrong part of a restaurant is walking back past everyone you just passed. now everyone knows 2 things about you: you have to pee and you are lost, like a toddler
approaching the 7-year anniversary of putting my stem cells in my dad’s bones and growing my bone marrow there thus killing his cancer and giving me years of “he’s a lesbian in his bones” jokes
People think I’m a good listener but I’m really just solid at nodding
Did you know stuffing your bra with toilet paper works pretty well…
except when it rains.
Don’t let anyone tell you that The Godfather isn’t an extremely effective parenting manual.
Me: I’m pregnant
Him: OH NO
Me: with emotion
Him: oh, whew
Me: because there’s a baby inside me
Step aside coffee, this is a job for alcohol.
Walking around cemeteries looking at headstones is a great way to come up with baby names.
My body is telling me to go to sleep but my brain knows that there are Oreos in the pantry.
Just used the phrase “my good coat hanger”, if you’re wondering if I have a Swiss Bank Account.
I really would love to see two mimes arguing
When a celebrity tweets a whiny complaint at an airline, I vigilantly pray for them to get stranded on a runway for 72 hours.
Therapist: Did someone refer you to me?
“Yes, everyone.”
Not to brag but, they’re going to keep my résumé on file…
“Wow you’re one of the nicest old ladies I’ve ever met!”- me, loudly to a random old lady so my mom can hear
So many idiots speed past my house that when someone is actually going the speed limit I take cover and assume it’s a drive-by.
tall people make me nervous. what the hell are you doing up there? stop eating the leaves off that tree
ME: *tiptoes quietly out of the house alone at 3am* *drives 20 miles into the countryside* *goes into a cave and walks a mile through a series of tunnels* *enters a lead-lined room* *quietly opens a packet of crisps*
MY DOG: *ears prick up*
Just saw a touching BP commercial where BP congratulates BP for doing some of what BP was legally required to do after it wrecked the earth.
“Are you an adult?”
Yeah, but not like on purpose or anything