An egg just followed me. Now I just need some bacon.
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academia has you beefing with someone 3k miles away who is also one of only 4 people on earth who likes the same stuff as you
Him: I wonder if this dealership is open.
Me: Are you stupid? The parking lot is full.
[Corporate Olive Garden meeting, 1985]
Jesus: Let’s do unlimited breadsticks.
CEO: How can we supply that many?
Jesus: *winks at camera*
can we get some a.i. to pick plastic out of the ocean or do all the robots need to be screenwriters?
I’m teaching my boys to leave the toilet seat up so there’s no pee on it when I put it down. Everything is a lie and life is a bad dream.
My boys from the living room:
“I’m telling mom!”
Me from the bedroom:
“don’t come tell mom shit!”
God: So I was, all, what if there was a fish made of jelly? Like, jelly but alive and in the sea? LOL
[angels look nervously at one another]
I ate an entire pound of blueberries today so honestly I hope some oxidants try to step to me I’ll send them crying to their mommies
*reading a children’s book*
That’s preposterous. A duck can’t perform brain surgery. They would quack under the pressure.
News said how hard it’d be to shoplift a turkey.
Amateurs. It’s all about commitment.
*stuffs turkey under shirt*
*whines that back hurts*
Apparently, the new iPhone 13 Pro Max will help you lose weight pretty quickly..
..
..
..Because once you buy it, you won’t be able to afford food for 3 months !!
I’m creating a new perfume for introverts.
It’s called: Leave Me The Fu Cologne.
Have kids so you can find a banana peel in your washing machine AFTER you washed your clothes.
Adult me must concede that a major contributor to global warming was kid me leaving the front door open and heating the whole goddam world.
None of these new apps realize all my phone contacts already hate me.
Boarding a plane so if a flight attendant asks if there’s a doctor I’m hoping I’m not the only one
Siri says she is sorry but I’m not sure she means it
[Watching the World Cup]
GUY *nods at the screen* Who’s your favourite player?
ME: uh…that round-headed guy is good, what’s his name again?
GUY:
ME:
GUY: That’s the ball
ME: Ok
According to the latest statistics, most accidents with toasters and bathtubs happen at home.
Happy 5 year anniversary to the photo frames sitting on the floor of my bedroom waiting to be hung up “when I get a minute”.
girlfriend: [seductively] is there anything new you’d like to try in bed
me: maybe spaghetti but I’d probably make a mess
I know you’re the instructor but I’ve seen Ghost 47 times so I know for a fact this IS how pottery is made!
Guy just got on my flight wearing a t-shirt that reads “Spread cheeks, not hate” and it took me at least a minute to realize the shirt is referring to smiling.
Everything went according to a plan I didn’t have.
Twitter should send notifications when you’re about to get fired and divorced.
The whitest shit about Greek mythology is that when they hear sirens they get closer
I don’t think either person should pay for the first date. It should be on the house
quarantine day 3