I don’t wash my car for months but the first week I do it rains 5 times. š”
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If I was a Disney princess Iād most likely be Tacobelle.
Thanks for reading.
Do you ever take a bunch of pills, forget that you took a bunch of pills, take a bunch more pills, and then die? I know. Me TOO.
therapist: so whatās troubling you?
me: my parents taught me to be so polite that now i have trouble taking up any emotional real estate
therapist: and how does that make you feel?
me: fine
When something at the hardware store says it’s universal, that means it will fit every model on the market except the one you have.
I met my husband on eHarmony, which is Tinder for back when the smartest things our phone could do was make you pay $2 to play an actual song as your ringtone
Friend: if you could have dinner with any person living or dead who —
Me: — what kind of dessert would there be
Maybe just avoid festivals named Fyre or Burning or anything fire related
You’re not bald my friend. You are just taller than your hair.
SANTA IS WATCHING! Me, a Jewish mother, to her children in September.
WIFE: Just face it, it’s a lost cause
WILE E COYOTE: *sifting through Acme bills* You could be a little more supportive, Janet
Them: The children are our future.
The children: [canāt figure out how the mute button works]
I took my 8-year-old to the office on Take Your Child to Work Day. As we were walking around, she starting crying & getting very cranky, so I asked her what was wrong. As my coworkers gathered round, she sobbed, ‘Daddy, where are all the clowns that you said you worked with?’ š¤£
other 21 year olds: going on dates, bein cool, having fun
me: trying to become friends w/ the birds outside my house by offering them bread
I heard you like bad girls. Well I’m bad. At everything. Winks at you with both eyes.
Hopefully women like a mature man. Because when I say I can do it multiple times a day, I mean vacuum.
ME: you look great tonight
DATE: the average woman eats six to nine pounds of lipstick over her lifetime
ME: [nervously flipping thru menu] i donāt think they serve that here
Me: Now do you believe me?
Wife: The fridge isnāt haunted.
Me: Then who made all that ice?
Wife: *walks away*
Me: WHO?!
āNothing from my side, thanksā – My wedding vows
I thought the husband was finally taking photography seriously by telling me to move to the right and smile. Turned out to be a nice shot of me with the dog taking a crap in the background.
Nan swears blind she heard a miaowing from next doorās garden. She miaowed back.
The cat miaowed.
She miaowed back.
This continued for minutes.
She walks down the garden to the end.
Looks over the fence.
Still miaowing.
Sees her neighbour miaowing back at her.
when someone rings the doorbell
āthis never happened to me so it probably never happenedā
– idiots
Her: you take nice selfies
Me: so I’m vain
Her: no you’re photogenic
Me: oh so I’m ugly in real life
Her: just say thanks
Me: oh so I’m rude
*Computer crashes, I reboot it*
Computer: Windows was not shut down properly.
Me: Don’t put this on me, man.
Hey, remember that person you thought you couldn’t live without? Well look at you, living and shit.
Filling a thermos:
weird that the doc wanted a stew sample
I got a 6 month head start on No Shave November, so I think my chances of winning are pretty good this year.
If you message me back on a dating app, I assume you are just being polite. If we go out for coffee together, again, I assume you are just being polite. If we end up dating, you’re probably just a very polite person. If we get married, it was probably just the polite thing to do.