me: turtles stole my pizza today
therapist: interesting
me: they emerged from the sewer like ninjas
therapist [removing mask to reveal shredder]: WHERE WERE THESE TURTLES
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my daughter responded to my two paragraph text message with a thumbs up. Parenting books don’t explain how to deal with this level of disrespect
My therapist said that I needed to find healthier ways of expressing my anger.
So I decided to jog home after setting fire to my ex’s car.
For Lent, I am giving up “JESUS”.
PS: To be clear, I won’t use his name as my first attempt on Wordle for the next 40 days.
Im at the swamp does anyone need anything
ARTICLE: How, at the age of just 22 did this man…
ME: Is it rich parents?
ARTICLE: … Yeah.
The note on this boxed wine says ‘Fresh up to 6 weeks after opening’
6 weeks. lol.
[supermarket – empty shelves]
me: everyone is hordeing
her: I think you mean hoarding
me: *watching the Mongol army massing on the horizon* I know what I mean
*seductively tries to take off sock with his other foot*
I was dissapointed when I called a taxidermist and he pulled up in a regular car.
Amazon thinks my recent furnace filter purchase was merely the inaugural move in newfound hobby of furnace filter collecting.
one taught me love
one taught me patience
and one taught me pain
Superman could shit sauerkraut and they’d still love him. But when I do it, everyone’s like “gross katie”, and “now you’ve ruined the hot tub for all of us”.
“Is my wife asleep or dead?”
It’s a game I play by picking up her phone.
“GO TO YOUR ROOM AND STAY THERE”
KID: *goes kicking and screaming*
TEEN: You can’t do this, I have plans tonight
ADULT: Thank you so much
Amazed I’ve never been framed for murder I shed more than a golden retriever
Fantasia gave me unrealistic expectations of how much cleaning a bucket and mop would be motivated to do.
melted five butterfingers together and made a butterfist
Twitter: “New audio and video calling is here!”
Me: “No, it’s f*cking NOT.” *Disables feature.*
“It is the east. And Juliet is the sun. Now she an eggplant. Now she a goat. Now she a dog” -Romeo, if Juliet had snapchat
Friend: Hey, if you have a gambling problem, there’s a number you should call
Me: I bet it starts with an 8
“Children, try not to embarrass me at the supermarket,” I say to the 30 teddy bears buckled into my minivan.
Can’t believe a woman would grow a life inside of her for 9 months and then name it Ian.
[taking a knee]
Surgeon: Stop that woman!
Fe
Fi
Fo
Fum
Rhyme scheme tweets are kinda dumb
I just finished watching a Tik Tok that stated if you see a Big foot with evil red eyes you should run. I’m sitting here contemplating shouldn’t I be prepared to run from all Big Foots? Discuss.
INTERVIEWER: u put “vodka” as a reference
ME: oh I thought it said preference
This day in history. 1914. The first WWI trenches were dug if you don’t count the one my grandfather was already hiding from the officers in
If I’m on a date and can’t think of anything to say I just make it look like I’m busy trying to figure out what a smell on my fingers is
If dolphins are so smart, how come they work at Sea World?