my perfume shop will have selections like eau de fresh bread, eau de sizzling bacon or eau de piping hot coffee
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[Ex-hot dog vendor, first day as a surgeon]
Me: Nurse, my good tongs, and 3 units of ketchup, STAT
Nurse: *just staring at my paper hat*
Sometimes, even I can’t tell if I’m being sarcastic or if I’m really just a bitch.
I don’t remember taking this vow of celibacy.
[reading dinosaur book]
8YR OLD: that’s a pterodactyl
ME: actually sweetie, it’s a pteranodon…pterodactyl is a pterosaur genus
8: how did you ever get laid?
When I was growing up, “Deadpool” was just what we called our neighbors’ hot tub after he mysteriously drowned in it.
*Organizing closet*
Husband: Where do you want your wedding dress?
Me: Oh, just put it with the others.
Husband: What?
Me: What?
Funny how people only believe their horoscope when it’s something good about them.
Astrological sign: You’re smart.. but not really. You’re actually just an idiot.
Now what?
i know what will make the other reindeer like rudolph more – a surprise promotion from the boss on the biggest night of the year
Whoever first said “I’m in a pickle” must have had the weirdest day.
*grilled cheese
cheese: i want a lawyer
Imagine going to the gym and there’s someone on the treadmill on all fours galloping
[first date at a chinese restaurant]
“So are you more of a dog or a cat person?”
*reading menu* I was thinking orange chicken but you do you
me: how do i get a girl to like me
dad: treat her like she’s the only one in the room
{ later at party }
man: does anyone know cpr?! this woman is DYING
me: [steps over them] hello, beautiful
gonna make a dog training school and call it harvard so people who went to harvard always have to say “no the one for people”
Perfect one night stand:
Amish person.No internet access.
No phones.
In the heat of passion they’ll whisper the secret to apple butter.
i had such a profoundly vivid dream of my neighbour drowning in the creek soon that i wanted to warn him but didn’t want to look crazy so i disguised my handwriting by using a twig from an ash tree dipped in blood and slipped under his front door a note that says BEWARE THE WATER
My therapy group is a joke. The doctor is supposed to match you with people you have something in common with but everyone here is nuts.
[INVENTION OF BABIES]
GOD: Ok so, make them neediest during their first year, but don’t give them any comprehensible language skills until, like, way later lol
ANGEL: *Noticeably distressed*
[first date]
I’m really nervous about this. It’s been a long time since I’ve [holds fork up and squints] used silverware.
When you want your ball, but you don’t want to get wet
🎾💧💦
How to pet your cat:
1) start with their favourite spot
2) wrong
me to wife: the mailman refuses to deliver mail here anymore
me three days ago: I should build replicas of all the traps in home alone
I’m boycotting 50 Shades of Grey because it perpetuates the stereotype that men can change.
He called me an angel but I’m pretty sure he meant angle because I’m always right.
I just want what every middle-aged person wants: to remember what it was that I wanted
A lot of people are shocked to learn that I’m still single. Especially my wife.
What if instead of meth you made the powerpuff girls?
doctor: your parents were in a car accident
me: how are they?
doctor: they’re critical
me: I meant medically
Remember the good old days when everyone was going to hell in handbaskets instead of in flaming runaway mine carts?
KANGAROO(tasting beer) *sips* This is too hoppy for me
[BrewMaster] I thought youd love “hoppy” beer lol
[Kangaroo] (sternly) That’s racist