WANTED: Sanity
LAST SEEN: In store, right before I told my 4 year old that he couldn’t get a new toy
REWARD: 4 year old
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Aw yeah! Who has two thumbs and is having sex today? That’s right. Somebody else.
I just owned you for three seconds. Possibly five if you’re a slow reader. Up to ten if you read this again.
My little brother tried his first edible and is currently writing the worst statuses ever
My son just demanded to be changed into different pajamas for breakfast.
Thanks, royal baby.
Jan 21, 2015: The 1989 film “Back to the Future II” showed life on Oct 21, 2015. So we’ve got 9 Months to invent Flying Cars.
GET LOST THIS DUMPSTER ONLY SLEEPS ONE
[hanging Vanilla Ice from a balcony by his ankles]
Vanilla Ice: “dont drop me! ill give you anything! ill sign my royalties over to-”
me: “royalties? i just want more raps about ninja turtles”
ALL THE JADED LADIES
all the jaded ladies
ALL THE JADED LADIES
all the jaded ladies
Please help my husband and I decide on dinner. We’ve narrowed it down to “It doesn’t matter” and “It’s your turn to choose”.
{commercial for Hallmark}
This Valentine’s Day, get her that piece of paper she always wanted with words on it.
“I FIXED IT!”
I still giggle when i get in an Elevator and someone asks me “Going Down? ” as i am so tempted to say to them “Buy me dinner first”.
My 13 y/o daughter is a little disappointed that her friends backed out of wearing an inflatable shark costume for Halloween and are going as Bluey characters instead but she’s sticking with the shark.
13: They just don’t take Halloween as seriously as me.
Cute cat
“Thanks. We dont let him in though cause he shreds”
You mean sheds?
“No” [gestures to cat shredding to Van Halen on the back patio]
Me: *Does one 30-second Google search for giraffe pictures to use in a joke I’m texting someone*
Pinterest email: HERE ARE 48 BOARDS OF GIRAFFES YOU MIGHT ENJOY BECAUSE YOU ARE OBVIOUSLY A GIRAFFE FANATIC
‘Pizza toppings. Go.’
-Me, speed dating.
Sex is fine, but have you ever completed every single thing on your to-do list?
I’d love to have a sex change. Preferably from ‘none’ to ‘absolutely shitloads’.
“I’ll be back for you real soon” I whisper to the leftover lasagne
“SOMEBODY had a lot of time on their hands.” What dull people say about creative people.
Me at 15: I can’t wait to have an apartment and cook myself nice dinners every night 🙂
Me now: today I put a strawberry poptart in between 2 brown sugar cinnamon poptarts; I call it ‘The Berry Delight’ and it is bad
I tried saving a cat in a tree but the darn thing wouldn’t accept Jesus.
i think we should see other cousins
Nothing says “thought of you, and masturbated” like ‘liking’ a girl’s Facebook photo from 2009.
This is a wedding toast I made up you can use if you want:
Some say you aren’t good enough for him. Some say you aren’t good enough for her. I say you’re good enough for each other.
If a vampire gets AIDS from one of its victims, is it considered an STD or food poisoning?
Hey! Remember how fat your arms are?
-Summer
officer it’s my son’s car
“just make it stop sir”
I don’t know how
“can you call him”
I’ll try
*tries to dial while car bounces up and down*
ME: wow look at all these hotties
FIREFIGHTER: *rescuing a sixth person from a burning building* stop calling them that