I spotted a worm on a busy jogging path, and decided that since all life is precious I ought to move the little guy out of the way so he wouldn’t get trampled. The jogger behind me didn’t see me bend over and flew right over my head and face planted. He’s still alive though, so
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*walks up with my full head of mongooses*
Medusa: Let’s rock.
Having an older dog means ten seconds after you drop a piece of food, you have to drop an even bigger piece of food so they can find it.
wife: how did the poetry slam go?
me: *taping my glasses back together * better
Pretty rude of my boyfriends’ wife to keep posting pics from their trip to Aruba.
5: I want to do something no one else has ever done.
Me: Help me clean?
5: No. Something fun.
Twitter, 2016 (HT @iShami_ )
Meteorologists are always talking about the weather and hardly ever about meteors.
Not sure why I drink anymore..I get the same effect from standing up too fast.
Y’know the trouble with nude dancing is that not everything stops when the music does.
“GENTLEMEN, WE ARE AT WAR WITH TROY AND MUST NOT DROP OUR GUARD AT ALL”
“Sir, the enemy gave us a giant wooden horse”
“Oh rad bring it in”
Me: You’re so selfish!
Her: I’m selfless! I spent the last 4 weekends giving back to my community.
Me: Oh Please, that was court-ordered..
All of my friends are getting married and loving their careers and then there’s me, luring wayward ships into the rocks with ethereal songs.
[first day as a peterinarian]
Customer: I think there’s a misprint on that sign
Me (petting dog): No.
66% of Canadians were unimpressed with “The Revenant”, or as it’s known in Canada, “Pretty Average Day”
I feel like the person who named pink eye also named orange juice.
My neighbor put alarms in his yard designed to scare squirrels & rabbits but the alarms go off every 20 secs & it’s maddening. He thinks they’re a frequency humans can’t hear (he’s 90 & near deaf). I pulled the batteries & he can’t tell they’re off. Am I going to hell for this?
Hate it when I tell a guy something deeply intimate and personal and he’s all, “Ma’am, does that complete your order?”
I attend online school everyday.
My kid joins in whenever he feels like it.
You can’t force someone to love you. All you can do is hire a panda suit and wait outside their window reading sonnets.
There should be a morning after pill for Supreme Court decisions.
My friend tripped and fell, ran into a tree and broke her nose on her morning run this morning. I reminded her, I maybe got a little out of breath, but didn’t hurt anything eating cheesecake in bed.
With all due respect, your kid sneezed on me first.
[about to be murdered]
Oh thank god. I was literally having THE. WORST. DAY.
I’m tired tomorrow.
It’s gonna take a real idiot to write my autobiography.
The main city in DuckTales being called ‘Duckburg’ is mad. Imagine a human city called Manchester
Me: Do that thing that I like
Cop: I’m not frisking you again
I can usually tell how productive I’ve been at work, by the battery life of my phone.
Slugs keep eating my plants so I’ve moved them into the house. If we’re living together they might have second thoughts about eating my plants.
I wear a French maid’s outfit specifically to get OUT of doing housework.