*At the couch store
“How many loads of laundry does this one hold?”
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“Excuse me, sir, I’m going to have to ask you not to sleep in the library.”
“Why are you bothering me right now? What if I was dead?”
“I’m afraid we discourage that as well.”
“Hi”
My name is
“What?”
My name is
“Who?”
My name is [chka chka] Slim Shady
*scribbles on cup* “Ok Mr Shrimp Scabies, I’ll start your latte”
“What are you doing here?”
I just got fired from the circus
“Oh my”
Yeah, the calibration on my cannon was way off. I landed in your pond
Refrigerators are actually sentient beings, but we keep putting magnets on them, and erasing their memories.
This day in history. 1634. The Irish House of Commons passed An Act for the Punishment for the Vice of Buggery, prodded so to speak to do so by Anglican bishop John Atherton who was later the first to be hanged for the crime.
POLICE: POLICE! OPEN UP!
ME: My parents never loved me.
POLICE: NOT EMOTIONALLY! OPEN THE DOOR!
ME: That makes way more sense.
“Wow, haha, this is awkward. I didn’t think anyone was home. Uh…oh well…bears gotta maul…amirite?”
1st base: sex
2nd base: not wearing makeup
3rd base: calling each other
home run: discussing your mental health issues and past traumas
Dolphin son: dad, how did you know mom was the one
Dolphin dad: the first time I met her we just clicked
I have never “lit up a room” unless you count arson.
Husband: It’s so weird that the kids didn’t get any Twix or Reece’s Peanut Butter Cups for Halloween.
Me: *wipes the chocolate from my mouth* So weird.
I remember when people just wanted to date someone with personality..but noOoo, now everyone’s gotta have multiple.
“What’s up?” asked the guy with literally no sense of direction.
Generation gap…
[Elementary School sends out the “time to check lost and found for your child’s missing items” annual email…]
Me: Hello, U-haul…Me again…Imma need your biggest truck
*asks grocery store manager to write a note telling my wife that I looked everywhere but couldn’t find the ice cream she wanted*
Wife: How was work?
Me: Funny story. I emerged from a different cubicle in the men’s room to the one I thought I’d gone into
W: I despise you
I finally ordered Life Alert. I’m not old I just do a lot of stupid shit
Say what you will about Kylo Ren, but you have to appreciate his Han die coordination.
Boy never ceases to amaze me
Me: I ran into Aryan, who works at the airport
Dad: who?
Me: I ran into that guy who works at that place
Dad: oh Aryan
[quietly] “Always a bridesmaid never the bride”
BRIDE: Hey, you’re not one of my bridesmaids!
“Shhh…this day is about you, not me.”
Perfection.
Jesus: *holding bread*
This is my body.
*holding wine*
This is my blood.
*holding a meeting* This could have been an email.
People complain about their looks, but no one complains about their brains.
Three more pension cheques and I’ll have my student loan paid off.
If you’re walking around with a toothpick in your mouth you may think you look cool but we’re all just worrying about you tripping
When I die, I want people to think back lovingly about me and say “oh, I thought she was already dead”
Sometimes I drink too much coffee and chase the Amazon guy around the neighborhood