Played Monopoly with a kid & argued that I CAN buy the jail.. Teaching him a valuable lesson about the privitisation of the prison system.
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restaurant manager: how is everything tasting?
me: [nibbling on candlestick] delicious
Child: Do you have any cool side effects from your vaccine shot?
Me: No super powers, but I do look more handsome today.
Child: So, it’s affected your vision?
If you visit Montreal, you gotta check out residential homes. That’s where all the locals go
ME: [standing in the rain]
STRANGER: [taps me on the shoulder] Here’s an umbrella
ME: Yes. I’ve seen one before.
Let he who is without sin throw the first stone. After that we’ll go by who has the birthday closest to today, then by height.
I can take 15 years off my appearance by stealing your glasses.
may I borrow your hand mixer? I found a pumpkin carving hack that will destroy mine.
*Wife screams*
“THERES A RACCOON IN THE HOUSE. GET IT OUT”
*I approach, raccoon cracks it’s knuckles. I turn around*
“It’s his house now”
“What do you mean “He used his mind?”
“I mean he never touched the gates. He destroyed them with his mind!”
“Oh my god…we’ve got a mad telekinetic duck on our hands. Get me the president!”
The suburbs are powerful. No matter how strong you think you are, by day two you’re eating dinner at 4 and asking what the weather’s looking like tomorrow
It’s only a matter of time before the casino realizes that baby I lost at the roulette table wasn’t mine
People are great at finding evidence that supports their beliefs while dismissing any evidence that contradicts them.
Husband: On top of spaghetti, all covered with cheese.
Me: *heavy breathing* Keep going.
If I had a pet unicorn, I’d probably just use it to carry my donuts around.
Me: I could barely fit our trash into that blue bin
Wife: that’s our neighbor’s new Smart Car
if Barbie’s elbows or knees bend when she puts on clothes i’m out
This needs to be over soon because my husband is starting to realize I’m not out of his league.
Doctor: That mule really kicked you. I’m afraid there’s some bleeding on the brain
Me: He gave me a bloody knows, LOL
I have to devil these eggs and I don’t want to. Where Satan when you need him?
Son: DAD! There’s a mobster under my bed!
Me: Aaw, cute. You mean monster?
Son: No
[from under the bed] “Whatcha gonna do ’bout it big guy?”
ENTRY LEVEL JOB OPENING:
Hiring recent college gradsREQUIREMENTS:
5 years of experience, 6 Olympic gold medals, and superpowers.
INTERVIEWER: Why do you want to work here?
ME: *crumbs tumbling from my mouth* Oh, I don’t. I was just walking by and saw you had donuts.
Great minds think alike, but so do dipshits.
*relates to your tweet in the wrong way*
Who called it emotional baggage and not griefcase
Don’t be a doormat for people to walk all over. Be a FAKE doormat over a trapdoor that leads to a secret pit of cobras.
“i have good news & bad news”
wife: bad news 1st
“the washing machine broke”
wife: and the good news?
“the dogs are clean AF”
As per my baby book, I held my head up alone the first day I got home. I may be a lot of things, but I was no soft-necked baby.
why r babies always crying u don’t even have jobs
April Fool’s Day pregnancy jokes stopped being fun when my parents started getting excited instead of scared.