Podcast? Back in my day you got a newspaper. To subscribe, you’d call them up. “25 cents a day for your filthy rag, full of lies and comics, please. Every day. Throw it at my house as hard as you can in the middle of the night. When I’m done not reading it, I’ll wrap fish in it.”
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cop: why’d you kill him?
me: I was trying to count something and he kept shouting random numbers
cop: ugh hate that you’re free to go
And satan said “let all the opinions of strangers on social media have an absurdly large effect on you” and it was so
Me: Man I love the eighties
Grandparents: We have names
Bee hives are like nature’s free piñatas. Except when the candy comes out it chases you and causes anaphylactic shock.
You ever released wind at the bank and accidentally deposited loose change?
My dentist not only specializes in treating cavities, but he also sells gasoline for your car. Basically he runs two filling stations.
I’m likely to die of a household accident. I’m certain a spider will be involved.
you’re upset I bought a waterbed aren’t you
“yes take it back”
I lost the receipt
*sneezes and we bob up and down for 8 minutes in silence*
#truestory #puppylove #dogsonsofas
10yo: When in doubt, albatrout.
Me: What the hell is albatrout? That’s not real.
10yo: Now you’re in doubt!
Me: But…
10yo: ALBATROUT
My dad always used to say ‘if you take care of the small things, the big things take care of themselves’. This cost him his job at the zoo.
Recipe: simmer gently for 3-4 minutes
Me: boils violently for 16-98 minutes depending on when I remember I left something cooking in a pan
For the love of God, if you leave me a voicemail, don’t just say “Call me back.” Tell me what it’s in regards to so I can prepare my defense
Before the invention of the automobile, you had to put roller skates on your horse
*drinks Grey Goose
*adds bird fanatic to the resume
If you ever have doubts about whether people are stupid, ask a tattoo artist what they’ve had to refuse to do for a customer
I’ve licked my tip many times and sometimes it leaves a blue, red and sometimes green mark on my tongue, I mean we’ve all had those multicoloured pens before……
I need a headline like this
[post sex interview]
reporter: what went wrong out there
me: well, i shouldn’t have yelled “holy moly” when i came
I am no longer hungry. Nor is, I assume, the cicada I have just discovered crushed into the tread of my sneakers.
I use a “retirement calculator” every morning before I leave for work to make sure I’m on track financially and I only have 1718 years to go
Oh yeh? Explain this then
Thank you Saran Wrap for so many years of not even remotely doing what I want.
gordon ramsay: we need you to make a twist on an american classic
me [boiling hotdog in baja blast mountain dew]: yes chef
The supermarket cashier asked me ‘if I found everything today’ to which I answered ‘why, are you hiding things?’. She looked confused. I laughed awkwardly. We packed everything away in silence.
No one cares about a firm handshake anymore. Now a slice of ham in your palm…that’s confidence.
Let’s join our hands together and pray for my husband who very tragically compared me to my mother.
My dogs didn’t feel the earthquake because they have constant gas.
I love balloons! I keep tying them to my arm, but I think I’m getting carried away.
ME: I propose teaching pandas to play pattycake bec-
ZOOKEEPER: How do you keep getting in here?
ZOO OFFICIAL: Wait. Let’s hear him out.