My ex was a true professional.she said “you are fired” when we broke up.
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when ur mom took the xbox away because you got a D- on ur report card and you went to your room, slammed the door, and turned this song up to full volume on the radioshack speakers so the whole family knew you were gonna be full of angst for the next several days
*gives you a knife
*points to the toaster
If you don’t agree with someone’s religious beliefs, just dance really hard in front of them like they did in Footloose and they’ll absolutely change their minds
My husband and I are very compatible.
He’s a problem solver and I have lots of them.
Where have you been all my life? Please go back there.
Avril Lavigne: He was a boy, she was a girl, can I make it any more obvious?
Homicide detective: I’m gonna need you to try.
doctor: i’m sorry but you only have a few more years left to live
me: oh my god. you’re lying
doctor *shows me a chart of global warming* i am not
“I deleted that tweet because I’ve really grown as a writer in the past 7 minutes and it’s just not up to my current standards”
I shall play you the song of my people
*stomach growls*
Make group hugs awkward by taking off your pants.
wtf? Somehow in the past 9 months, someone has snuck in & shrunk my winter clothes
What I go to Aldi to buy: Bread and milk.
What I actually buy in Aldi:
any two men could tell me they were in daft punk and i would believe them
How to be a politician 101:
Answer all yes/no questions with the words “Well, look” and then answer a completely different question.
MAGICIAN: *pulls a rabbit out of a hat*
ME [a one upper]: *reaches over and pulls a hat out of the rabbit*
MAGICIAN: holy shit
I consider sexual harrassmemt a compliment. I mean they only do it if your hot right?
[watching two deer have sex] well, that’s one way to make a buck
My son told me there’s a wee boy who comes into his room at night & plays with him.
A shiver ran down my spine, then I remembered I have another son & it’s probably him
Me: So tired
Brain: IKR!! But wait, who organised the alphabet…
M: Please don’t
B: N how do we know it’s not actually disorganized?
had to tell my son that santa isn’t real in the middle of the night because he was hysterical about a strange man coming into the house, but made him *promise* not to tell his younger sister that he doesn’t exist. so instead he told her that santa’s dead
Me at 1 day pregnant: omg the baby is craving a vacation in the south of France
It’s an indescribable feeling when I’m trying to put my toddler in his car seat in a crowded parking lot and him screaming “HELP”.
If a guy wants to call a woman ugly online a window should pop up where he has to upload pictures of all the women he’s slept with
Starting a conga line is a great conversation ender.
Trebek: This Disney movie starred Elsa & Anna.
Me: Frozen.
Trebek: In the form of a question please.
Me: Do you wanna build a snowman, Alex?
“I’ve got toes in different area codes.”
– Ludacris steps on a land mine
I’ve been misusing the term “sunk cost fallacy” for years but it’s too late to stop now.
Person: I like you
Me: *eyes narrow* Why
if i ever write “seemingly” in a discussion post or an essay you can bet i have absolutely NO IDEA what im talking about
Hey, have you two seen my Vodka? I left it right here?