Grandma complained that with age, her joints were getting weaker.
Told her to just roll them a little tighter.
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Cause of death: Very rough shirt tag
Me: finally drifting off to sleep
The alarm: you’re not gonna believe this
Grandpa: “I was at Normandy.”
Dad: “I was at the Battle of Khe Sanh.”
Me: “I once went to Kohl’s on Christmas Eve.”
Everyone: *gasps*
I didn’t ask to be the “bad boy” of professional tennis. Probably why it never happened.
I’m not saying that I haven’t incorporated math into my adult life. I’m just saying I could’ve dropped out after elementary school.
me: you’re brothers?
mario: that’s-a right!
me: which explains why you dress the same
luigi: that’s-a right!
me: [pointing to wario & waluigi] ok wait but then who are they?
mario: [whispering, fear in his voice] honestly dude we have no idea what their deal is
When I die, I want them to write that I died of supernatural causes, but offer no explanation.
[Job Interview]
Boss: What is your best trait?
Me: Procrastination.
B: How is that a positive?
M: I’ll give you my reasons. Later.
“No one told me we were picking weapons today. What’s left?”
– Donatello
*being murdered*
Him: You should of kept your mouth shut
Me: No. It’s should HAVE
*gets stabbed another 84 times*
Crush calls.
Me: *Googles: how to lose 50lbs overnight*
The best time to tell a girl that she have something tucked in her teeth is when there’s no mirror around and there’s nothing in her teeth.
My mom once asked if Jack Frost was based on a true story. Jack Frost is a movie where a father dies and returns as a snowman.
“No way.” -Jose
Goodnight moon.
Goodnight room.
Goodnight sanctimonious people arguing on the internet
My wife puts her pants on just like everyone else, but when she gets one leg in I push her over while she’s off balance.
My mom always has these great sayings for life, like “Don’t count your chickens before they hatch” and “Everybody hates you.”
What do we want?
SOME GOOD DECISIONS!When do we want them?
BEFORE LAST NIGHT!
Never once has a guy said, “She’s cute but I wish her eyelashes would be so big they’d weigh down her eyelids”
No more dating apps, just gonna sit on my front porch and yell at people.
Not to get dates, because people need yelling at.
[breaking up with a guy]
Me: It’s not you, it’s me. I’m much, much smarter and cooler than you are.
God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot kill, the courage to blow up the things I can, and the wisdom to not get caught.
I dunno why but this feels like a trap
My 9yo on Shark Tank:
“It’s a shirt, but look, it’s also a napkin!”
Guy science: The proper amount of time for a pan to soak before cleaning it is until you need to use it again.
Me: Gimme that bread, daddy
Priest: It’s Father
Oh no I just accidentally did everything wrong all my life
I only look at Wordle for the articles
GOD: I will send you to Earth to be a martyr.
JESUS: What’s a martyr?
GOD: Not much, what’s a martyr with you?
Betrayal Treasury, Age 5:
Instead of ice cream after my tonsillectomy, a lime popsicle, the texture of which I do not enjoy.