364 DAYS: Astrology’s silly and baseless and I’m not a conceited Leo at all
ON MY BIRTHDAY: It’s still baseless but please worship me today
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Every time my daughter drinks juice she says “cheers” so…. no, not looking forward to parent teacher conferences.
Using my invisible hula hoop really freaks people out.
“You put the clothes in the washer, and then you put them in the dryer, then, on the third day, you fold them and put them away.” – my kid, totally blowing up my spot while explaining how laundry is done
There are two types of people, those who pronounce sixth sense “sicksense” and those who pause in the middle
Don’t know how anybody can hate on lazy people, we didn’t even do anything.
The lady at the passport office just said to the man in line: The Walgreens down the street takes great pictures.
I said: I, too, am incredibly photogenic.
Me: I need to go to the doctor but my car won’t start.
Mechanic: Did you try jumping it?
Me: Of course, how did you think I broke my legs?
Me: for my first wish I want 20 dollars
Genie: done. and your second?
Me: infinite money
Genie: no can do
Me: *slips him my first wish* how about now
Someone put the toilet paper roll on backwards and I’m furious and also I live alone
All along the watchtower, people squinted and said “I told you we should have built a clock tower.”
I just want to be as happy as the couple described in the first five minutes of any Dateline episode.
ME: I’m impressed you got court side seats
MY LAWYER: I hope they find you guilty
It has been proven that Australians watch TV more than any other appliance.
all my demons came for free. these must be organic.
I love how insurance companies offer “accident forgiveness” like they’re some sort of ancient deity pardoning your existence.
Amazon Review: Ghost costume
⭐☆☆☆☆
Do Not RecommendPoorly constructed sheet blew away when industrial fan was turned on. I would have gotten away with it if it weren’t for those meddling kids.
I’m not positive,
but I think when you say you’re “over” something,
YOU STOP TALKING ABOUT IT.
me: i wish i were the most beautiful person in the world
genie: ok [snaps fingers]
me: [blushing] omg nothing has changed
genie: i tried but you’re just so ugly
“…any reason why these 2 should not be married, speak now or…”
They’re engagement photo only got 21 likes on Facebook!
*crowd GASPS*
(to my date after each preview at a movie) the actual film will be much longer than that
99% of the time I have zero understanding of how people are using “iykyk”. “Eating some ice cream iykyk.” Well I certainly thought I knew about ice cream. I thought *everybody* knew about ice cream
PA System: Attention shoppers, the store will be closing in five hours
Sloth: Uh oh
netflix is definitely the most insecure of all the streaming services like be chill bb.
My kid keeps asking why we don’t decorate outside for Halloween and I’m tempted to buy a bunch of posterboard and just write the scariest things I can think of on it….like “daycare is calling you at work right before a big presentation,” or “Check Engine light comes on”.
“The curb is just a reverse pothole” I whisper to myself as I hear the wheel scraping against cement.
restuarants need to start hanging up pictures of their bathrooms outside so i know what im getting before i walk in the damn place
SANTA, tied up, black eye: You boys are in a lot of trouble with Mrs. Claus.
HEAD KIDNAPPER: Oh really? And what is she going to do? Bake cookies at us?
SANTA: Well, no. But before we were married, she was Head Valkyrie of Valhalla.
HK: Is…is that so?
*distant Wagner music*
I don’t know what my husband is planning on doing for me for Mother’s Day but I hope it’s the laundry.
I’m just a girl, standing in a public restroom, begging someone, anyone, to install better ventilation