me writing at 3am: holy shit….. this is so good when did i become this talented
me reading what i wrote the next day: he roled he’s eye
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Raised and lowered my arm today so my Fitbit will stop alerting people that I’m dead.
The smallest amount of kindness can change the trajectory of one’s day. But on the flip side a good small pinch on the outside of the upper arm can also change the trajectory of one’s day.
All I can say is, choose wisely.
Me: could you pass me the Washington Shire sauce
Her: the what?
Me: the Westminster Shore sauce
Her: are you having a stroke?
Me: the Warcaster Shiner sauce
Her: hello, 911? I need an ambulance-
Me: the Willmington Scone sauce
Her: please, it’s getting worse
Me: the Wank-
genie: you get three wishes
me: i wish you were terrible at math
genie: ok you’re out of wishes
me: wait no
NEIGHBOR: What’s up?
ME {stacking crates}: I’ve enough donuts to last a month
NEIGHBOR: So all ready for the hurricane?
ME: The what now?
I could be an astrononaut. If it wasn’t for the in shape part. Or the science. Or the going into space.
My daughter made such a cute little doll of me. It even has my real hair. She has it surrounded by some candles, and she’s giving it acupuncture to help the sharp pain in my side go away.
If I get bit by a vampire at this age, I’m going to be furious.
Homosexuality was still classified as an illness in Sweden in 1979. Swedes protested by calling in sick to work saying they felt gay.
*tornado takes out half of my house*
Me: (without looking up from my phone) hey guys is the internet not working for you?
Having to redownload the HBO app on four devices was the worst thing to happen to me since COVID.
Her: I don’t even know what the cloning machine does
Me: Well that makes two of us
LIFE HACK: If you want to remember something write it upside down on the back of your underwear waistband. You’ll see it when you’re pooping
If I was a movie villain, I’d just make a bomb with all the wires of the same colour.
I ordered a pizza.
I don’t think the guy understood how to get here.
Is it free if it’s 5 years late?
This morning I jogged for 30 swear words.
I tried on and bought two pairs of jeans today without testing my phone in the back pocket. I don’t even know who I am anymore.
-Marital tech support, how can I help you?
-I’ve lost my connection to my wife.
-Have you tried turning her off and back on?
-I did the first part.
I’ve stepped on a Lego before so I’m calling bullshit on Godzilla and King Kong being that difficult to take down
I generally don’t trim my ear hair until it effects my peripheral vision.
Apparently the guy next to me and I aren’t even going to discuss who uses this armrest.
Dm: Hi
Me: but have you even accepted Jesus as your Lord and savior?
Whoever named the axolotl was awesome and probably high af
Hubs: *Climbing ladder to put baby bird back in nest* [at my request]
*Falls off ladder*
Me: Oh my God, is the bird okay?
The fact that it’s still not legal to print your own money is bullshit.
Child me at birthday party: gimme gimme ice cream
Adult me at birthday party: gimme gimme cake
my student loan account is locked for an hour bc i entered my password wrong twice. who the hell do they think is trying to break in and pay my loans for me. why would i want to prevent that. Pleas let them in
If you cannot hold a poker face don’t bother becoming a parent because if you can’t sell, and I mean truly sell it when you tell your 4 year old that there are no actual tomatoes in tomato sauce, she will never agree to eat pizza again
[Cave, present day]
Archeologist [Finding a cave painting]
Wow! This is incredible![Cave, thousands of years ago]
Caveman [Finding paint smeared on wall]
What the…KIIIIIIIDDDDS!
Last night my wife got pissed because I kicked the ice cubes I dropped under the refrigerator. But now it’s just water under the fridge.