Dear Abby,
How long should you feel obligated to date someone after they’ve given you the Heimlich?
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Some of you take selfies from so close up, I’m beginning to wonder if you’re a T-Rex.
I simply point out, might not a warm piece of buttery toast have the same restorative effect as the cigarette to the smoker? And yet when I ask for a Toast Break I am laughed at . . .
Eating the sticker on an apple counts as 35% of your daily fiber intake.
If I could have dinner with anyone alive or dead I would just have two dinners.
My elderly uncle was proudly showing off his new “Screechers”, and my dudes, this is what I will call Skechers from now on
Do I have a plan for the zombie apocalypse? I don’t even have a battery in my smoke detector, and fire is real.
I always have an elaborate flow chart on hand in case people ask me “What’s the worst that can happen?”
HER: Wow, look at all the presents! How did you afford it all?
ME: I used Kohl’s cash.
[police burst through the door with Kohl]
KOHL: That’s the man who mugged me!
Responding to all selfies with “this should work.”
I have the same effect at nude beaches that sharks do at family beaches.
17: If I was gay would you still love me?
Me: Of course.
17: If I committed crimes?
Me: Yes.
17: If I voted for Trump-
Me: Dead to me.
I bet the worst part about kidnapping someone is knowing they are just sitting there in your trunk, judging your choice in music.
Outside is where I can see all the leg hair I missed when shaving so maybe I should be shaving my legs outside.
Wife still out of town. I’m afraid if I order Dominos again they will call child services.
Me: I’m so bored I literally have nothing to do
*10 upcoming assignments due tomorrow*
me: *fixing something*
him: that’s not broken
me: well, it is now
Twitter’s fun because everyone’s really cynical and snide about everything except *checks hand* … wrestling? that can’t be right
Catering service
I dread doing laundry as if I didn’t have a machine that washes the clothes for me and another that dries them for me, as I do nothing
Harder!
Faster!
A little to the left.
Yeah, that’s the spot.Me, watching my husband scrub the shower.
My phone died, so I was forced to “print” a physical copy of my boarding pass, just like The Wright Brothers used to in the olden days
[leaning over and kissing my spouse’s forehead]
“Rest in peace.”
My spouse opens their eyes: I really don’t like it when you kiss me goodnight that way.
I shower with a suicide note in case I slip and die, at least I can make it look intentional instead of stupid.
Snakes are refusing to fly on Boeing Max planes.
lol no thanks my tires rotate themselves every day
I keep telling my dog that it’s just wind there’s nothing to worry about. He’s not getting it. He just looks at me like bro, if you don’t let me go outside rn and bark at that wind, it’s gonna kill us!
“Needs to be punchier” — someone who has no idea what they want and wants you to figure it out
My kid threatened to hold her breath until I gave her dessert. She’s now passed out on the kitchen floor. I don’t negotiate with terrorists.
Is it lovers quarrel or lover squirrel?
either way, couples therapy is going great
Passing by a group of ladies:
*conversation stops*
Walking back by:
*conversation stops*Me *giddy* I take their breath away!