Called this psychic hotline today but a woman answered the phone saying “how can I help you?” So I hung up and tried another one.
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[pouring another round of shots for my dolls]
What do you mean isolated and unstable?
My mom used to feed me soap as a reward for saying bad words.
instagram: look at my new boyfriend
twitter: I can’t get a boyfriend
reddit: my [21F] boyfriend [53M] boyfriend forbids me from going into the basement and has a sock drawer full of missing women’s driver’s licenses, AITA for being uncomfortable? the wedding is in three hours
one of the most amazing things in nature is that the basketball hoop is the perfect size to fit a basketball through
Her: I have butterflies in my stomach
Me (trying to impress): My skull is full of wasps
I’m gonna pretend my dad didn’t abandon me but is actually on the missing Malaysia air flight and he’ll be back
Boy: call me daddy 😉
Me:
Airlines are like “okay everyone now that we’re all boarded and ready to take off let’s check to make sure the plane’s okay”.
Single Me- waxes routinely
Married Me- twirls my mustache aggressively when my husband makes me angry
I’d rather be hit in the face with a shit-filled sock than to ever attempt helping my parents install a DVD player over the phone again
Can u imagine getting married and having a family and staying in love until u die, then waiting in the afterlife for your wife to join you and she finally dies and ditches u for a dude she knew for three days on a boat instead?? Anyway I’d give Titanic a 9/10
Egyptians don’t walk like that.
Now that the government is in charge of sports betting, does that free up the mob to do like…high speed railway construction or universal healthcare?
Mark Ruffalo is the name you could most likely teach a dog to say.
Back-to-school tip for parents: while not explicitly forbidden, it is frowned upon to spray champagne on the hood of a departing school bus.
[spelling bee]
JUDGE: your word is “redacted”
KID: ████████
JUDGE: correct
[date]
me: what’s your type?
her: I like a man who doesn’t get jealous
me: WHO IS HE
Editor: What’s the first question every good reporter asks?
Reporter: Why did I major in journalism?
Wow… the headline was intriguing, but the payoff was beyond my wildest expectations
righty-tighty and lefty-loosey.
– factory defect men’s underwear
Our homeowner’s association just sent out a notice about dogs barking in the neighborhood which is so totally stupid cause dogs don’t read email.
Me: *on safari naked*
Elephant: *staring* how do you eat with that thing?
TEETH IS INNOCENT
It’s important to be comfortable in your own skin…
Because, apparently, it’s illegal to wear someone else’s.
*bursts into a bank*
EVERYBODY GET DOWN ON THE FLOOR. GOOD. NOW PRETEND YOURE A BABY GIRAFFE TRYING TO STAND UP. GOOD. THIS IS AWESOME
The kitchen trash will be overflowing and my kids will keep stacking garbage on top like they’re playing Jenga.
[Flirting in a bar]
ME: Did it hurt…
HER: …
ME: …when you fell down from that balcony?
PARAMEDIC: Sir, I won’t ask again
Me: ‘This may be the booze talking, but that is a VERY snazzy outfit you have on there.’
Cop: ‘Step out of the car, please.’
I realize that choosing a pasta can be a confusing and difficult decision, but for the love of all that is holy, move your cart to the side.
[laying in bed]
Wife: I’d rather chew on aluminum foil while listening to Nickelback
Me: …a simple, “I have a headache” would’ve been fine