Before you tell a woman her makeup is askew, be sure she’s actually wearing makeup.
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One alternative to having kids is to hire two people to sit in your car and start a loud argument every time your favorite song comes on.
*Invents silent snack packages. *Becomes president of the United States.
Vin Diesel eats two meals a day:
1) Breakfast
2) Breakfurious
“So, which burner is your favorite? Mine is usually the back left.” -Me, trying to make friends in my 30’s
It’s hard for me to believe that the new Star Wars trailer has already been seen millions of times. How do they even know where it’s parked?
The human urge to say “Don’t worry, I’m over it” and then talk about it for the next 20 years.
The greatest ending to a video game to ever exist.
neighbor kid, play fighting: are you ready to taste pain?
my kid, mumbling under his breath: I’m ready to taste cheese
my house isn’t haunted i just have kids. shit goes missing at random. doors are left open. faucets left running. and don’t get me started on the screams.
wife: Don’t be an idiot
me: IT’S NOT A CHOICE, SARAH
I don’t understand why gyms have mirrors. I know what I look like. That’s why I’m here.
*thinks every animal is a type of dog*
*sees a cat* scratch dog
*sees a parrot* talk dog
*sees a worm* spaghetti dog
I like going to the cemetery early in the morning because, if you’re calm and patient, the skeletons will approach and even eat right out of your hand.
Me: Well, would you look at that. This Oreo package isn’t resealable. Guess I better eat them all.
Husband: But the seal is right th….
Me: *talking loudly* NOT RESEALABLE!
Every time I eat a banana in public, a stranger offers me money to do it in private.
I ate 32 bananas today & made $725.
I have diarrhea.
March is coming in like a lamb. Slaughtered and roasted with a nice mint sauce, mashed potatoes and seasonal vegetables.
“I’m the only cop on the force who can play the bassoon dammit” “Not anymore” New cop in sunglasses walks in, just killing it on the bassoon
Barney only he’s just a regular T Rex who doesn’t know why he’s been left in charge of young mammals or where their parents are, but he’s a total dad so he’s gonna do it.
“Plane” kicks off a series of movies named by little boys pointing at things. Watch out for “Truck” in 2024 and “Doggie” in 2025.
“Hi, I have an appoint-“
“JUST HAVE A GODDAM SEAT!”
I wish I took the same care with anything in my life as my dog does with choosing where to poop.
ME: it’s horrible. I would wish it on my worst enemy
GUY: you mean *wouldn’t*
ME: hahahahahaha you’re sweet
I’ve just used glitter spray paint in a confined space, and now I’m on another planet busting disco moves with an intoxicated pixie.
*at reading of my will*
Executor: *opens envelope*
‘Ahem…’You selfish, bloodsucking little pricks…’’
*pulls away from kissing*
JUDGE: That was unexpected and kind of nice, but you’re still guilty.
me: hmm…that’s a real head-scratcher…I don’t know there are significant pros and cons to each choice…maybe I should make a spreadsheet and do a cost analysis…
netflix, impatiently: dude, just pick something already
when i donate my body to science, they’ll be like ok do we have any other options?
After watching a movie you can find interviews, commentaries, trivia. When you finish a book there’s one thread from 2014 asking if the author has apologized for their inaccurate portrayal of arthritis.
Detective slams his hands flat on the table:
You need to tell us what you know!Me: I don’t gossip.
I miss being able to study with complete focus for hours. Now I read one sentence and check my phone to see if penguins have legs or just feet