We need a dna profiling service for what kind of hats a person can pull off credibly
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Grandma used the same wrapping paper for 25 years, so don’t tell me about the great ‘bargain’ you found.
Learning how to break wooden boards in karate is important in case you ever get in a fight with a house.
dad: You’re sitting at the kids table this Thanksgiving
me: Why?
dad: What’s a fuse?
me: Uh
dad: Who’s SpongeBob’s best friend?
me: Patr- oh
Today I looked in the mirror and didn’t like who was looking back at me.
It was my neighbour standing behind me. Like dude, why you in here?
my favorite part of nascar is when I vomit all over my shirt and car after the race., desecrating the logos of the brands that enslave me
I’m 53 years old unless I’m driving at night in the rain. Then I’m 107.
“Right, whose round is it?”
Translation: It is not my round and I know whose round it is.
Son: When did u know you were old?
Me: When I started saying ‘congratulations’ to friends who said they were pregnant instead of ‘oh shit.’
Want to know how to get that creepy guy to stop texting you “hey beautiful” every morning? Move in together.
why are there sports bars but not cute bars where u can sip wine and cheer for competitive cooking shows?
i respect snow plows bc their whole job is to take a giant mess and push it to the side for someone else to deal w later
Stop pronouncing it “Caribbean.” Everyone knows it’s “Caribbean.”
what if everything that’s happened lately is just an elaborate ruse to put The Onion out of business
[looking at photo album]
Me: Here’s the story of how daddy met mommy
Son: Why is your hair spiky…
Daughter: …and long in the back?
“It’s like they’re not even impressed that this fits inside my nostril.”
– Toddlers
Finally got the “Josh Duggar is good” neck tattoo I’ve wanted for years, now let me just read today’s news as I take a large sip of water…
I switched all the labels on my wife’s spice rack.
I’m not in trouble yet, but the thyme is cumin.
ME: I’ll put a sexy movie on
DATE: Good idea
*presses play*
D: Shrek?
M: omg embarrassing
D: Haha
M: [fumbling with DVD] Meant to be Shrek 2
I think whoever invented horseradish knew exactly what those two things tasted like together
Me: Shout out to all my homies!
Homies: Stop shouting at us.
Friend: I haven’t had sex in years!
Me: meh, join the club
Friend: I haven’t had coffee in 5 days!
Me: DEAR GOD!!!
Never knew why pajama tops had pockets on them, but I just filled mine up with cookies to bring back to bed and now it makes complete sense.
People who camp are like, “But camping is so much fun!” and then tell you a story about how they had to fight a raccoon at 2 AM.
what idiot named it jurassic world instead of parks and rex
Dang you got a good deal on your tattoo and the squirrel’s so realistic. What? A portrait of your Mom? Dude I wish my Mom was a squirrel.
This pandemic has gone on for so long, I can’t even remember the last time I touched a doorknob or any kind of knob for that matter.
On my home screen I surrounded the Fitbit app with a bunch of food delivery apps so it knows what’s up.
Fun Fact: Bananarama had the highest potassium levels of any 80’s pop group.
On one hand, I’m intrigued by witchcraft. On the other hand, it seems like it involves a lot of chopping and cooking.
My man got attacked by a snapping turtle.
I asked the ER doctor if he would get turtle powers and the doctor asked him if he feels safe at home