[1st time doing the sex]
her: wanna get on top
me: uh, sure
[later]
me: [from the roof] are u…are u coming up
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FOUND: 17 AGGRESSIVE DISEASED RATS LIVING IN LOCAL DUMPSTER.
PLEASE CONTACT IF YOUR 17 AGGRESSIVE DISEASED PET RATS ARE MISSING.
FRENCH IS A MYTH INVENTED BY THE GOVERNMENT TO MAKE US BUY MORE ENGLISH
Just once I’d like to see a hostage negotiator aim higher than pizza
#SexEdWontTeachYou how to deal with idiots…
We are watching “It” from last year and not for nothin’ but Pennywise is mostly very bad at his job.
boss: we have to let you go
me: why
boss: its the only speaking in lyrics thing
me: em…
boss: Although you’re not doing it now which is good
me: see!
boss: ok you can stay
me: *under my breath* a
opening a flower shop called women in stem
Indoor water parks full of kids in diapers for when you want to catch a case of name that bacterial infection
A pie where there isn’t pastry on the bottom isn’t a pie. It’s soup with a hat.
My 9yo just made a “protein shake” out of milk, cookies and ice cream.
I’m making him my new nutritionist.
Wife – “I can’t do this anymore. It’s either me or ur dinosaur themed hip-hop group”
Me – “well then I’m afraid I choose the VelociRapStars”
Gonna open a store that sells old books and pasta and call it Barnes & Noodles.
ME: It’s a gun fight, don’t say you brought a knife
ALANIS MORRISETTE [brandishing 10,000 spoons] I’m not an idiot
Boss: hey greg meet your new coworker please don’t accuse him of being a dinosaur
me: I won’t I’m not an idiot
Coworker: hey nice to meet u I’m Ptery
me: *eyes narrow*
When someone tells me that the best part of their job is getting to talk to people all day, I’m too frightened to ask what the worst part is.
Every funeral is open-casket if you’ve got a crowbar and a sense of adventure.
Me: You come highly recommended, LOL
Drug dealer: *stabs me*
Friend: What’s that you’re reading?
Me: “How to Lose Weight By Eating Anything You Want”
Friend: Wow! If you don’t mind my asking, how much have you lost?
Me: $24.99.
The Burger King is good at heart, but his advisors deceive him.
Avenge me but only if it’s convenient.
My bluetooth headphones just paired with a car driving by like they were trying to escape
A Roomba that moans when it picks up trash.
I’m opening a restaurant called “It doesn’t matter, whatever you want” since every girl alive wants guys to take them there.
i love banana bread you just buy a bunch of bananas and then ignore them for a while and finally you’re like ok u will be bread now
PRINCIPAL: Your father needs to speak to you urgently
SON: Oh my god what’s wrong
ME: I think your mother gave you my oreo thins by mistake
I wouldn’t want lesbian parents. Not because I’m homophobic. I just don’t want to get stuck in an endless loop of “Go ask your mother.”
The fishmonger at our local market is always pretty unfriendly.
I’d describe him as a little standoffish.
[forest]
ME: omg there’s a wolf
WIFE: where?
ME: no the regular kind
British people be like I’m Bri ish
I may not be the hottest woman on Earth but I like my chances up against anyone currently aboard the International Space Station