Survey: How would you rate the cleaning products you recently purchased from us?
Me: I had to clean.
0 out of 5 stars.
You Might Also Like
“I take pride in my job. I transport the worlds most precious cargo”
-oh, u drive a school bus?
“LMAO Hell no! I’m a drug smuggler u nerd”
And y’all thought 2020 was going to be the worst year
I’m at the point in my life where my favorite Mexican restaurant is based solely on how big the margaritas are.
No one claims to like clowns, and yet there are clowns. What an evolutionary adaptive species they must be, clowns.
This is why you should never put a bald person on the front page of a newspaper
The ample amount of cheese on anything is more
watching pre pandemic television during the pandemic
You know that episode of Friends where Joey tries to speak French? That’s what I hear when watching the State of the Union Address
calling a guy “my ex”
-not true
-but makes it seem like he was my boyfriendcalling a guy “someone i only slept w 4 times over the course of three weeks but spent 6 months crying over”
-true
-but makes me look pathetic
I’ve learned something today – “dibs” is not the appropriate response when your best friend announces their divorce.
Do Flat Earthers also believe the sun and moon are flat?
Like, is the entire solar system just a mismatched collection of space dinner plates?
Ned Stark is just a gay Boromir.
There is no doubt in my mind, I would trade my ovaries for another liver.
I was disappointed to find out a sexagenarian is someone in their 60s and not a career option.
me: thanks for explaining what a plethora is
her: ur welcome
me: it really means a lot
[Meeting friends baby]
Me: [bouncing him on my knee] he’s a big boy isn’t he
Friend: yeah he was 11 pounds
Me: wow that’s cheap
me: *eating spaghetti sandwich*
carb god: *rubbing biscuit hands together* goood goood
Went to a Trump rally in New Hampshire this week. Hard to describe the vibe, but “what if the Nazis didn’t care about fitness?” comes close.
The only cat like reflex I possess is turning and staring at the wall when you talk to me.
“Waitress!”
Waitress: “Sir?”
“Could you check the rest-room? My date has been gone 2 hours. Also, her coat has been stolen”
Boss: I suspect one of you is dead
[Everyone looks at me, except for Paul, who is not moving at all]
noah’s google search history:
“wat is arc”
“why would god want circle segment”
“arc or ark”
“how many animals”
“5,000,000 x 2”
“is god real”
The term is sous chef not Sioux chef. It’s a role in the kitchen not the leader of a proud indigenous tribe.
Whenever I put on makeup, I do a sign of the cross on my forehead with my foundation and I’ll tell myself “Bless this mess.”
Imagining a reverse Beauty & The Beast where a witch punishes a guy by turning all of his perfectly good household appliances into human beings
Obviously if someone’s in your trunk, the carpool lane is an option.
My most favourite thing to do at work is leave.
What I have learned from dating is that if he shows you affection, talks to you every day, and introduces you to his friends and family, he’s just not that into you
“Said no one ever.” -Said everyone on Twitter.
Who are you going to trust, some real doctor who says it’s impossible to make you a centaur, or me, the guy with a hacksaw and half a horse?