[during sex]
gf: this is so hot, seth!seth macfarlane: shut up, I’ll do all the voices!
gf:
seth [feminine voice]: this is so hot, seth!
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Beauty and the Beast
I found an extra $9 in the bank! Get dressed baby we’re going to Little Caeser’s!
Behind every child flushing the toilet is a parent yelling “WASH YOUR HANDS.”
[9pm on a Saturday night]
Apple Watch: You can still do it! Just take a brisk 20 minute walk to close your exercise ring.
Me: You know I can “forget” to charge you anytime I choose, right?
*The First Ever Rodeo
“…Does anyone know what we’re supposed to do?”
priest: Good Friday
jesus: i’ve had better
OMG 🤣🤣
doctor: *handing me newborn baby* do you have a name for him?
me: uhhh *looking around room* mop
doctor: it can be whatever you want
me: stegosaurus
doctor: hell yeah there we go
Therapist: So why are you guys here?
Me: I feel like we are having communication problems.
Him: This is our first date?
Breaking news:
Me: I’m so bored.
Dog: Have you considered running from window to window and barking at stuff outside?
Me: That’s the dumbest ide- OHMIGOD! *runs to window* The FedEx truck! *runs to other window* It might be my Amazon delivery! *runs to front door* IT’S TURNING UP OUR STREET!
Why do people insist on saying “You’re next” to me at weddings? Do they not realize how serial killery that is?
can’t bark with your mouth full
*spelling bee*
“Your word is disaster.”
“Can you use it in a sentence?”
“That outfit you’re wearing looks like a natural disaster.”
My dad just asked me if Nicki Minaj is claymation. Didn’t have an answer.
My husband bought an alien green suv so he wouldn’t have to remember when he parked.
my proudest moment has to be when I snuck into a frat party and didn’t kno any of the brothers but I knew they loved having foreign exchange kids at their events so I faked a british accent and said I was from southham(doesn’t exist) then ended up leavin with 2 handles of bacardi
My 7yo, as we drive past the tennis courts near his school: “that’s where all the old grandpas yell at each other.”
the 80s were wild man, you had bands naming themselves after predatory cats with hearing problems
Whoever decided Halloween and daylight saving should happen in the same week should lose their calendar-setting privileges
PHARAOH: we shall build religious monuments. they will baffle future science.
SUBJECT: should we leave them a note to explain how we did it?
PHARAOH: yes, take this down
SUBJECT: ok
PHARAOH: cat, dog, snake, bird, cat, man with the head of a cat, dog, cat, bird
Wanting to be funny is a disease. Why am I spending 30 minutes trying to think of a clever wifi name for my neighbors to see?
My optometrist: Well, it’s normal as you age for…
I don’t know what he said after that.😑
My wife still brings up that one time in 2013 I was indecisive about which shirt to wear, after her water broke
How do i tell my physiotherapist that this isn’t an old sports injury but that time i did a coyote ugly dance at the bar and slipped off the table
Jury duty
[Burps] Wow, excuse me.
Judge: You’re excu-STOP THAT!
To avoid being eaten by zombies, go to Settings / Home Invasion Settings / Cannibalism / Brains, and then uncheck the “tasty” box.
It would be magical for babies and toddlers to fly with animals. In that part of the plane.