Working out in the rose garden today and came face to face with a territorial bee, I took a couple of swats at it and pissed it off, now she’s daring me to open the screen door.
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Saying veganism is too expensive is kind of dumb because like, rabbits do it and they don’t even have jobs
[Me, being lowered into my grave.
Email still buzzing nonstop]Zillow: 7 new burial plots just listed in your area
Target: 20% off all women’s death shrouds
Amazon: It’s never too late to treat yourself from your wishlist
my husband thinks i accepted his apology but wait until he sees that i rearranged the tool shed
Small dog owners: My dog chewed on my favorite pair of shoes.
Big dog owners: Yesterday my dog ate a couch.
My phone just told me my network was unstable.
Same, girl. Same.
She once called me bae so I had to baeurry her in my backyard..
Of course it’s you and not me. I’m freaking amazing.
Shoutout to the kitchen knob that grabbed the strings on my pants and undid them.
Someday, I wish Twitter will come up with a new & useful feature for once, like a sarcasm indicator for the ones who never get it.
I loathe tweets like “Be somebody’s beautiful tragedy”. Might as well tweet using a random word generator.
“Be golf brisket honkytonk”
This can never not be funny 😭😭
Lawyer: I’d like to introduce my star witness
Astronomer: Hello
“I’m doing good, how are you?”
-Me lying out of my lying liar hole
If you get engaged and you and your partner both owns dogs do the dogs become brother and sister or are they married too?
If you need some deep cleaning done today, find someone with ADHD who has a paper due tomorrow morning
I made my 9 year old french toast with syrup this morning per his request but promptly found out that he thought the fork and knife I provided were just a fun suggestion so anyway how do you get maple syrup off pants?
Be the reason why a nun does the sign of the cross when she looks at you.
[the ’4 Horsemen Of The Apocalypse’ descending from heaven]
me: *clapping excitedly* ooooh, horseys’!!!
Me: Did you pull off your Barbie’s head?
4-year-old: No.
Me: Then where’d it go?
4: She sneezed and it exploded.
Sounds legit.
The newest Teenage Mutant Ninja Jurtle: Thiccelangelo.
still thinking about the time my bf told me I was “boring and unoriginal,” and the only thing I could respond with was “no, YOU’RE boring and unoriginal”
car salesman: this is the car for you
me: but that’s a barrel about to go over Niagara falls
car salesman: take that baby for a spin
Me: “I came to Twitter to be creative and express myself.”
Twitter: lol, you said “came”.
As the anesthetic knocks you out, your surgeon washes his hands and misses a really easy shot into the garbage with the paper towel.
Me: Shhh, your brother is still sleeping.
4yo: *runs upstairs
CRASH
JUMP
“Wake up!”
SLAM
*runs back downstairs
“No, he’s not.”
Ah the throw away lines of children at the dinner table “I eat the shit food first”.
no, YOU’RE holding a fresh loaf of bread like a newborn baby
H: I’m going to fix our washer myself.
M: Okay, I’m going to Lowe’s to pick out our new washer.
handsome & gretel