You think if I tell my dad “30 is the new 20” he’ll start paying all my bills for me again like he did 10 years ago?
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No disrespect to the Jurassic World franchise, but the scariest dinosaur is purple and claims he loves me and is part of my family.
Diet Tip: If you throw a raisin into your pint of ice cream, it becomes a healthy snack.
5y/o just told me he’s not afraid of ghosts because “they’re not even alive”
Why are they giving Lance Armstrong a hard time about doping???… Going to the moon is very scary shit!!!
Do I look like Christopher Columbus? Am I guiding a ship to a new land? So, when I ask for directions, please don’t use words like “East.”
Kids today are lazy, I say to my son before telling Alexa to turn the light off I just walked past.
[at my funeral]
ventriloquist: please don’t judge me, he paid me a lot of money to do this
me: hi everybody!
you know that feeling, as a kid, you’re out shopping with your mom, and
shopkeeper, be like $1,200,
then mom, without shame, be like $17.so you jump to death from the check-out desk.
people say they’re “over the moon” when they’re happy, but it’s a lie; the moon is one of those things you will never truly get over
Me:Everything you know about me is a lie.Coworker:So you didnt dance naked in the fountain at the mall?Me: Everything other than that.
2001 A Space Odyssey 2
The spaceship returns
HAL is just as uncooperative as ever.
He never works.
He becomes the basis for Windows 10.
“DADDY THERE’S A MONSTER UNDER MY BED”
[me opening bedroom window]
Wife: What are you doing?
Me: *climbing out* ARE YOU COMING OR NOT?
Human Resources just came up with a cool new term for just about everything I like to do at work. They call it “inappropriate”
[zoom interview]
interviewer: what’s your background?
me: mainly sales and marketing but—
interviewer: no, I’m talking about that framed poster of the lady bunny from space jam
*Paranormal Factivity*
[I walk into my bathroom]
“OH MY GOD”
[‘WHALES ARE ACTUALLY MAMMALS’ is written in blood on the mirror]
Editor: You wrote a play about Victorian England using menstrual blood as ink?
Me: Yes, it’s a period piece.
Parenting through the years:
1st kid: Organic food only
2nd kid: “McDonald’s once in a while isn’t so bad.”
3rd kid: “Did he just eat dog food? I’m sure he’s fine.”
going to therapy when I’m having a good mental health day stresses me out because what if the therapist is like you seem fine go home I never wanna see you again
How many husbands have I had? You mean apart from my own?
I scream, you scream, we all scream…
This fire drill is going really badly.
My daughters moved out on their own and they call me periodically to ask for advice and answers. I kind of thought watching me raise them would have proven that I’m winging it, but for some reason, they think that I know things?
Can’t, just found out I’m way behind on my 6th grade math homework.
It’s like ten thousand spoons when all you need is to be launched into space.
Things I’ve Learned From Horror Movies:
•Don’t have sex, you’ll die.
•Don’t leave the group, you’ll die.
•Don’t be black, you’ll die first.
Me: *mouth full* These instant mashed potatoes your sister sent us are awful
Him: Those are my mom’s ashes!
Me: *adding salt* That makes more sense
Me: i knew you’d pull through
drug dealer: [passing vitamin gummies] just go to walgreens man
When you ask her
“Have you ever read Shakespeare?”And she answers
“No, who wrote it?” ….Keep moving.
Cop: Why did you burn that building down?
Me: Because they keep sending emails after unsubscribing.
Cop: You’re free to go.
*a town in which the production of little marshmallow treats has been banned*
mayor: i don’t want another peep out of any of you