If you’re 6’5” tall and drop something, I imagine you just keep walking, like “yeah, THAT’s gone now…”
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Me: Throw it back. It’s too small.
Him: Ma’am, this is your child.
Me: Fine. Use him as bait.
Are you thinking of putting a dozen Cheerios in a ring box on the kitchen counter with a sign that says “Honey, I Shrunk The Donuts”, just to keep your marriage exciting, or are you normal?
I’m not saying I want to die choking on peanut butter, but that would be the only scenario where my friends can say I went out doing what I loved.
gorilla trainer: don’t make direct eye contact with him he sees it as a threat
gorilla optometrist: uh oh
I like being married but not every day.
😆😜😆😜
Why do I always say yes to the receipt at the gas pump? Am I afraid I’m gonna be asked to prove I paid for it?
Normalize carrying a sheriff’s star around so you can deputize yourself to:
cut a line
veto your HOA
confiscate the Costco samples
arrest your in-laws
I’m dying!! A bear cub went and ate my aunt’s pies today of ALL DAYS!!! 🤣🤣
My kids are gone for the WHOLE day.
I miss them SO much, I can barely bring myself to pop this 3rd bottle of Champagne.
I don’t bully strangers on the internet because I’m too busy making fun of the people I know irl
Me: You said you wouldn’t dream of disturbing me
my kid: Yeah, but this isn’t a dream
Drying the waistband of my jeans with a hairdryer as God intended.
If you’re not supposed to have sex in an elevator, why are the ceilings mirrored?
Now security is showing me out.
Oh my God. You try to run him over one time, and he never lets you forget it.
whoever said misery loves company spelled calories wrong
*takes bite of Pringle* yes *nods at date then waiter* we’ll have the tube
NEWS: 1.3 million people die in car accidents a year
ME: [driving with my knees so I can put two hands on my burger] that’s hard to believe
Doctor: you’ve got-
Me: [cigarette in mouth] lung cancer?
Doctor: nope, diabetes
Me: huh [finishes eating candy cigarette] weird
Whoa whoa whoa, I thought that was OUR thing!
-me to my favorite cashier when she smiles at other customers
If you don’t know what stage your relationship is in, I’d recommend not sitting in the front row of a comedy show
Hollywood led me to believe I would have to do way more heat/AC duct crawling than I’ve had to do.
Puns make me numb but math puns make me number.
When you have mixed feelings about bathtime
Brains are sexy
Wish everyone had one
My dating life can best be compared to credit card companies that send you a million applications and reject you when you finally apply.
Son: why is my sisters name rose?
Dad: because your mother loves roses
Son: what about me?
Dad: it’s a long story, Bush’s Country Style Baked Beans
My son has a shirt that says, “my dad can beat up your dad,” and honestly I don’t like the pressure
I decorate for Halloween by opening my bedroom curtains as I walk around naked. Pretty scary stuff for my neighbors.
Boss: We need you to go undercover
Me: No problem I’m great at keeping secrets like when I peed my pants on my first day here
Boss: Today’s your first day
When a cop gently helps you in his car, promises you an overnighter & talks about bonding, he isn’t taking you on a date… I know this now.