[kid loses screens for not doing chores]
husband: it’s partly my fault he didn’t do them
me: then you can lose screens too
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Threads is like Adibas trainers or a Bolex watch
unless you’re dead wearing a sheet you got no business ghosting ppl.
This holiday season, make sure to confront your family about current issues like for example: how they choose to pronounce “pecans”.
My husband and I got in a fight and I was certain I had the last word until we went to bed and he started snoring
(Face painter at kid’s birthday party): …and what shall I paint on your face?
Me: Enthusiasm.
Some patients are going to die, & you have to learn to accept that. It’s just part of being an extremely bad chiropractor.
If I’m being honest, a Seven Nation Army probably could hold me back.
When my wife asks me to get her something from her giant purse, it’s always “Check the big pocket. No the side pocket. Wait, the medium pocket on the inside. Maybe the other side pocket. Did you check the big pocket?”
My daughter just asked me a math question then proceeded to make motorcycle noises in case you were wondering how homeschooling went this year
to a guy who shits on people’s lawns, everything looks like a lawn
Want to know the real reason behind the egg shortage?
Henopause
Annnd, send tweet.
If you’re responsible for the fruit tray, then your family has zero faith in your culinary skills
If video games have taught me anything, it’s that you’ll automatically get promoted if you kill your boss
Whenever I test drive a car and the Salesman decides to come along, I lock the doors lock eyes and say “We ride together, we Die together.”
[a mass poisoning of football players]
detective 1: I think there was mercury in the Gatorade
detective 2: Johnson, this is no time for your stupid astrology mumbo-jumbo
*runs away to join the frog and cricket chorus
“Oh, look! She’s drinking vodka, let’s kill her!” – Spiral staircases
Me: Oh hey I should watch this movie
Netflix: Actually you watched 27 minutes of it 3 years ago so you’ll probably want to pick up where you left off
I wish cats came with a counter that told you what life they were on. Number 8 kitty? Maybe you need to work on that attitude.
[ first day in funeral home ]
me: *gently placing hand on widow’s lap* this is your husband’s it fell off
Panda: am I too pudgy?
God: I have a better question.
Panda: ok.
God: what’s black and white and red all over?
Panda: I don’t know.
God: it’s you.
Panda: b-but I’m not red.
God: [leans in] you’re perfect just the way you are.
Panda: [blushing].
Real estate agent: You can’t get cell phone calls out here.
Me: We’ll take it.
To impress the guys I told them I was dating an artist. I didn’t tell them her preferred medium was sandwiches.
*pulls the pin on a can of Axe body spray*
*lobs it into your open car window as you drive by*
Date: Uhh seriously?
Me: Oh don’t tell me you don’t sneak food into the movies too
*dips lobster in my pocket filled with melted butter*
CHRISTMAS FAIL: My son came into my toolshed to say goodnight & saw the box to the radio controlled monster truck Santa got him. I panicked & said I liked his so much I bought myself one and was charging it so we could race in the morning. Now I’m off to Target to buy another one
Uterus: cry
Me: What? Wait, why I’m not even do-
Uterus: CRY.
If laziness was an Olympic sport, I’d probably come in fourth so I wouldn’t need to walk up to the podium.
100% of all marriages end with an ‘s’