The bad news is my toddler dumped my husband’s large water bottle all over the couch and himself. The good news is now he’s had his bath
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What my neighbors thought of me after they moved in:
1. She’s eating cake
2. She’s eating chips
3. She’s eating cake again
4. She’s dipping chips in the cake
I accidently invited new friends to our house and now I have to finish painting the bathroom I started 8 months ago.
9am: Very busy day today, I need to focus & stay off the internet
1pm: did you know that Texas has the largest population of prairie dogs?
Your password must include 5 minutes of interpretive dance, 15 excerpts from contemporary fiction and 1 word made up by Shakespeare.
Her: are you single?
[flashback to 2011 where I tried to kiss a girl but she turned away and I kissed her cheek]
Me: haha idk
Me: I’m interested in your doggy daycare program for my puppy.
Clerk: Okay. It’s $45 for a full day, and they get to just play and sleep and eat treats and hang out with other puppies.
Me: Can…can I join, too?
Wifey put some girly glitter soap in the bathroom. This morning I look like I either just came from the strip club, or showered with Ke$ha.
“sixth cousins three times removed” is not related. i’m probably sixth cousins three times removed with a martian.
I plan the silliest murders in my dreams because all I have to do to get away with it is wake up.
Has anyone tried biting a zombie to see if they just turn back into people?
Ride your bike to the bar, they said. You’ll never forget how to ride a bike, they said.
What it said: May cause headache, fatigue, flatulence, weight loss, baldness, and even death.
What I heard: Weight loss.
*doubles dosage*
I’m starting to wonder if I really am the ideal size and weight to test the town catapult or if the other townsfolk simply don’t like me.
I can’t believe the atomic bomb was dropped from a plane. How the hell did that get through airport security
Damn girl clean ur room before u paint a selfie
girlfriend: I’ll have the chef’s salad
me: [whispering] babe that’s so rude, just order your own
[fancy dinner]
ME: please pass the (forgets the name for salt) dried ocean
[Teaching pet elephant to wash the car]
ok Stompy fill your nose with water and spray it
*elephant crushes car*
why did I name you Stompy
met my new neighbor and we talked about how we both own cats and both like industrial music. she invited me to go dancing with her sometime and i jokingly said “and we can bring our cats!” and she gets deadly serious and goes “they won’t let them in. what with allergies and all”
“If I act like I’m asleep he’ll leave, If I act like I’m asleep he’ll leave, if I act like I’m asleep he’ll leave” – Me getting pulled over
I’m 37 and from the Midwest, every man I know is named Matthew, I’m going to need you to be more specific.
-Me when my mom say she saw Matthew today.
Sorry, I can’t right now. I’m too busy eating all the marshmallows out of my daughter’s Lucky Charms because she pointed out a gray hair.
Never know who you’ll run into at the gas station!
Man, I can’t believe 2019 was over 20 years ago
If you had a gaming PC in prison, can you imagine how good you’d get
*cuts off ear* It’s Gogh time.
I always say “I was wondering when you’d find me” when I get in my car. That way if someone’s ever in the backseat I’ll look cool as shit.
Most people don’t know this, but a canine that practices medicine is called a Dogter.
I am on a diet. This is just my cheat decade
“yeah that IS strange they only filled the fries and shakes halfway” I say about the food I brought home for my kids.