“Jurassic Park” is still my favorite movie about giant electric fences.
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Love it when boxers go back to their corner to get advice between rounds. Did you try punching him and not letting him punch you? You did? Then I don’t know what to tell you. Keep doing that but more.
The older I get, the more I treat birthdays like one night stands and just pretend they didn’t happen.
Badger: I’m your Guardian Angel
Me: A badger?
B: They ran out of good ones
M: ..K
*I walk toward an oncoming car*
*Badger tears my face off*
On the next “Unsolved Mysteries” my wife and I investigate how there aren’t enough hangers for the clothes we washed when they were on hangers before we wore them.
My son just got his brown belt in Tae Kwon Do. If you threaten him, he bows respectfully before he runs.
7: MOMMY!
Me: *flys out of bed* What’s wrong?
7: I don’t know what time it is
Me: It’s the middle of the night
7: Then why are you awake?
My mom on the phone: “Hi hon, how’s your libido?”
Vertigo. She meant my vertigo.
I remember when you could order a sandwich without having to identify all the traffic lights first
I got new glasses with a new prescription, and I honestly feel that I can see too much right now. It’s too much sight.
Twitter: where 20-year standup comedy vets get out-funnyed by accountants, college kids, junkies, & unemployed single moms on a daily basis.
When my wife says “Guess what today is.”
😂😂
I’m boring. I just trick people into thinking I’m interesting by always being angry.
Personal trainer: Abs are made in the kitchen.
Me: so was this pie
In an unexpected motion, Texas Republicans have voted to move midnight to 1am.
Not my mom telling me she still talk to my ex because I still talk to her ex… Mam that’s my DAD
I read an article that began “During the pandemic, with the implementation of distance learning…” and was surprised it didn’t end “came an uptick in nervous breakdowns of parents everywhere.”
Friend: Sorry I’ve been so busy! I got my master’s in genetic engineering, singlehandedly solved a murder, invented time travel, discovered a new Pi number, climbed Mt. Everest and taught myself to read Sumerian. What have you been up to???
Me: I’ve been super into cereal lately
I woke up because of birds chirping.
I wish I had wings too.
I would fly to each of these birds & choke them one by one.
6 am is too early.
5 years ago my dad texted me “i dreamed up the title of a poem last night” and i said “what was the title” and he said “Thoughts Upon Receiving Notice The Frogs Had Cast Off Their Green Skins and Revealed Their True Glorious Selves” and i have thought of that every day since.
I’m a low maintenance girlfriend. Just bring me a bouquet of cats.
It is possible to fail a cheese-making class but you have to eat your entire final exam to find out.
You have advice? For me? I have a $5 Starbucks gift card that’s older than you.
the thing about the weather getting colder is that it makes you think you want to date someone when what you want is heavy socks
Therapist: did the other kids tease you back in school?
Me: no
Therapist: no come on, they must have
My cat just showed it’s holiday spirit by pooping tinsel.
OLD MAN: I fought in WWII
ME: Oh yeah? What was your kill:death ratio
OLD MAN: what
ME: Can you rocket jump?
OLD MAN: I wish Hitler had won
men only want one thing: a large italian wife that chases them around with a big wooden spoon when they sneak a meatball before dinner
[first day as life guard]
guy in water: help! help!! i don’t know how to swim!
me: *moving my arms* like this but in water