Husband confiscated my credit card last week. The news just said that Amazon stock is down.
THIS IS ALL HIS FAULT.
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Not to be racist but all of my kids sound the same on the phone.
I thought Penelope was pronounced Peen-a-lope until I was in jr high school
One of the most unexpected results of my extended sobriety is that I’m still clumsy as hell.
Hey IKEA,
Marriage Therapists and Divorce Lawyers on site in your stores, you’d make a killing.
My 2yo put her lamp in a different room because it “needs a vacation.”
Me: I’m so fat…
Him: *rolls eyes*
Me: *rolls fat*
*discovering flying dinosaur*
PALEONTOLOGIST: We’ll call it pterodactyl, for “wing fingers”
ME: *crumples up note that says skynosaur*
5: im so bored
me: you can go empty the trash cans, put your bike away, clean the kitchen
5: im not very bored though
When I was 18 I thought it would be cute to get a butterfly tattoo on my lower hip but after 6 c-sections it looks like a sad moth in a top hat.
I can’t believe my terrible boss* is making me work on this sacred national holiday**
*me
**National Cheesecake Day
Wanna be like jesus, walk on a cucumber, its 98% water, so you’re 98% jesus
My kids wanted a spooky story from the olden days so I told them the internet used to scream when you turned it on.
*my boss going around the room to figure out what employees are most incentivized by
Me: FOREHEAD KISSES
Don’t hate the game, hate the player who keeps sending you Facebook invites to play the game.
there’s a lot of rumors going around about me about how I exaggerate the number of rumors going around about me
Me: Jesus, are these… are these claw marks in the sand?
Jesus: I put you on the back of an emu lololololol
THE TIREDNESS ON THE COUCH NEVER TRANSLATES TO THE BED AND I DEMAND TO KNOW WHY
You never really forget how to misquote sayings. It’s like buying a bicycle
Why was six afraid of seven? Generations of institutionalized bigotry.
The first step to admitting you have a problem is having a problem.
*stomps feet during a tantrum, reaches fitbit step goal*
My boss has stopped letting me leave early for my son’s Little League games ever since he learned he’s in his second year of college.
You don’t scare me. You’re not my mom saying, “I’m gonna tell your father” after she found out I broke the TV.
*Joe Biden nibbles Obama’s ear*
– Please stop it
*Joe whispers* Say it
– No go away
*angrily whispers* Say it!
– …please stop Biden my ear
It’s amazing that no one at this swim up bar has had to go to the bathroom in the last three hours.
[In the car]
4 year-old: What’s this song called?
Me: “Don’t Speak.”
[10 minutes of silence later]
Me: You alright buddy?
4: Yeah you said don’t speak.
Guys, I did it. I found the Holy Grail of parenting.
Probably the worst part about being a snail is how you can’t put salt on your French fries.
Me: I’d like the chocolate soufflé
Waiter: It takes 45 minutes to prepare
M (right in her face): Then why are you still talking to me?
Supposed to leave for vacation in 5 minutes. Somehow, the clothes I need to pack that I threw in the washer an hour ago, aren’t ready.
YOU (trying to insult me): I bet you’re fun at parties
ME (insulted but the wrong way): I am not! How dare you